Thing I Would Like To Say (To People Who Buy Porn)

There are many things I would like to say to the people who buy porn or other adult material at my place of employment.


To that one guy who bought both Transitions (men dressed as women) and 60+ (women over sixty naked): "Really dude? You're not even going to try to tell me that you're buying them for a gag gift?"

To the 95% of women who, when they buy porn, claim that they are getting it for a bachelorette party: "You know, from what I can tell there must be an awful lot of people getting married."

To the guy who works down at Marshall's and has a foot fetish magazine reserved for him every month: "You wouldn't happen to work in the shoe department at Marshall's would you?"

To the older men who suddenly start asking if we carry High Times Magazine after a certain law passes in our state: "You know that new law in our state about marijuana dispensaries does not mean you can start growing and get rich, right?"

To the people who obliviously buy things like XXX Men or Hung as gifts for women: "I'm fairly sure I know what you think is in the magazine but what you actually have there is gay porn and that's just as explicit as regular porn."

To the men who buy Taboo Illustrated (sex acts so violent and awful that they can't act them out with real women without breaking several laws) and then try to make small talk with me or my female coworkers while we ring them up: "No. Really. No amount of nonchalance is going to erase the fact that you and I both know what kind of depraved things are in that magazine."

To the red-headed guy from Rent-a-Center who used to come in and buy Weed World and High Times as 'horticulture magazines': "That's a very creative usage of the word 'horticulture' to describe... you know, marijuana magazines."

To that one guy who was very angry that we didn't carry a magazine called Family Affairs (which is about uhm... families having... affairs): "Actually, to be honest they do ship us that magazine every month but my boss instructs me to put all the copies of incest magazines in backstock for two weeks and then return them all."

To the drunk guy who comes in and buys over a hundred dollars worth of other magazines in order to help 'disguise' the fact that he's buying half a dozen porn magazines and then proceeds to regale us with the long saga of why he needs to buy so many magazines: "No really. Please, save me the story. I know why you're buying the magazines. Really, I do."

To the guys who come up to the counter with porn magazines sandwiched between two magazines about cars: "You know it's really obvious what you have between those car magazines, right? There aren't a lot of magazines wrapped in black plastic."

To the men who mysteriously use company credit cards to buy pornography: "You know, you don't have to risk your job to keep your wife from finding out about this. It's not like you're going to get an itemized receipt."

To the men who buy things with their credit card and then pay for porn separately in cash and don't want their receipt: "I really don't know how that's going to keep your wife from finding out about you buying porn if they find the porn itself."

To the men who buy strange combinations of magazines and claim they're gag gifts: "Do you know how many times I have heard that excuse?"

To the people who want to know why we keep the marijuana magazines with the porn when marijuana is illegal at any age: "Because, in fact, the magazines themselves say 18+ or adult material on them."