This Comes To You One-Handed

It occurs to me that I haven't made fun of myself much even though I sort of feel obligated to do so. I make fun of everyone else so it only seems fair that I make fun of myself, right? Or at least that seems like the kind of argument that I would want to make if someone were to say... sue me. I could claim that I really meant no offense at all and that it was meant all in good fun because after all I make fun of myself specifically along with everyone else. How could I possibly be trying to offend people or be prejudice against a specific group if I make fun of myself, right? Well, that's my theory anyway. I still wouldn't look forward to getting sued. It sounds less than fun even though I don't actually have any money for anyone to get out of me anyway.

I had to think about what to make fun of. I wouldn't make fun of my hair color even though it's unusual. And I wouldn't make fun of my pasty whiteness. I could make fun of my weight because I am a bit overweight but I know a lot of people are sensitive about their weight and it would feel cruel to make fun of it. I thought about making fun of the fact that I'm right-handed but I felt I'd save that one for righties in general. Then I thought about a thing which is actually sort of unique to me that I make fun of. I type with just one hand.

Yeah, I type one-handed. So every single thing I ever post comes to you one-handed. Or with one hand behind my back even if you prefer. But I don't hunt-and-peck. It doesn't take me a long time to type. I type fifty-five words per minute which actually puts me at the low range for a professional typist. My typing speed is only really hindered by the fact that it takes my hand a little while to travel from one side of the keyboard to another if I have to type say 'q' and then 'u' right after. I think if I had a keyboard arranged in an arc with two large buttons at different levels in the center (the two buttons in the center being shift and space respectively) I could type much faster because there would be a lot less "travel time".

And why is it that I type in this strange manner? Do I not have a left hand? Is my left hand injured in some way? Did I really hate typing class that much when I was a kid? Well... I do have a left hand and I've used my left hand for many useful things but because of the number of doors I've had my left hand slammed in as a child (three and one of them was a sliding car door) I can't actually move the digits on that hand in a useful way without staring at them and even then they don't necessarily always move the way I'm telling them to. The joints in the fingers of my left hand also feel very stiff and moving my finger carefully from say the 'd' key to the 'e' key is especially difficult. I can do it, it's just very hard. It's entirely possible that with enough practice I could actually type like a normal person but why would I want to do that?

There are a number of useful things I can do with my left hand while my right hand is typing. For example, if such a thing as a left-handed thumb-ball mouse actually existed (it didn't last I checked but if you know of a company selling one please tell me) I could use my left hand on the mouse and my right hand on the keyboard and never have to bother with any of that messy mouse-to-keyboard or keyboard-to-mouse switching. Or if I want to quote a passage out of a book I can simply hold the book open with my left hand and use my right to type. I can easily eat/drink and type at the same time. If I were the kind of person who "cybered" I could type and... well, at the same time. Or I could fence and type at the same time like I was in a xkcd comic! It would be great.

Have I ever run into any real problems using this method of typing? Yes. Severely. I once injured my right hand and had to type exclusively with my left hand. I think I typed about twelve words a minute. It was depressingly slow and mostly involved stabbing at the keys with the pointer finger of my left hand and hitting capslock to make capital letters because I couldn't shift and hit a letter at the same time for most of the keys. And whenever I go out to a public place like the library and type I frequently have to fend off curious onlookers who are astounded at how quickly my one little hand is going across the keyboard. Fortunately when that happens I can use my left hand to wield a sword to encourage them to go away.

So even though I look ridiculous and I have to explain the problem to every single person who ever sees me type this post (and all the others) is coming to you one-handed. Enjoy.