Shuffling Zombies

I'm not sure if it's the imminent arrival of Halloween or what exactly is the cause but there seems to be an outbreak of shuffling zombies lately. They are wandering down main street, breaking into malls during the day,  shambling down the aisles of your local grocery store, and stumbling into your home. The economic fallout has turned the world into the post-apocalyptic future infested with zombies that movies are so fond of predicting. They are everywhere, they are annoying, and unlike traditional zombies you will be arrested if you shoot one in the head to end its misery.

Some zombies are the kind who present with extreme cirrhosis of the liver and stumble into a shopping complex at ten on a sunday morning still so saturated with libations from the night before that a single spark would likely set the whole building on fire. These zombies may mouth words and try to communicate through hand-gestures as well but are ultimately not cognizant enough to intelligibly communicate and quickly break down into frustrated anger. Fortunately the zombies that have reached this stage have so little coordination they cannot effectively do any harm because they have to concentrate too much on just remaining more-or-less upright. The best weapon against them is disapproval and shooing motions.

Some zombies are the high-functioning sort who can manage to go through the motions of life over and over again without actually living. You may see them on the buses or walking down the street. You may hear them talking to themselves in the grocery story as they wander along largely unaware of the real world. These zombies are not violent and won't try to hurt you unless you hurt them but they can still be very dangerous. Do not allow them to back you into a corner and start talking about cats or celebrities or whatever other inane obsession they might have. Your best defense against these kinds of zombies is non-pseudo pseudopods which you can use to locomote away or if you are trapped in a situation where you cannot leave your best defense is a cellphone which you can use to fake a phone call or else make a real phone call to your work number to aid in your escape.

Other zombies are the drooling drug-induced kind. They grin like skeletons while moaning about their pain. They trap you in webs of questions that they use to hold you still while they tell you about their hallucinogenic visions of signs of god that they see everywhere and use to justify an evangelistic faith they only wish that they could spread as easily as the spore of zombism spreads in movies. These zombies are capable of extreme violence at the slightest provocation. Do not attempt to confront them physically. Your best defense may be flagrant atheism or threatening to call the authorities.

Still others are merely the dress-up kind who are literally wandering down mainstreet unconvincingly on an exceptionally cold saturday in late October in the middle of the afternoon. These zombies are completely harmless even to themselves and retain a distinct sense of self-preservation that manifests itself in the form of their uncanny ability to observe traffic laws. Your best defense is inclement weather and a healthy dose of mockery.

Then there is the most common kind of zombies. Those unfortunate souls who are so awestruck by celebrity that they become obsessed with glossy stacks of colored paper, thin sheets of color-emitting plasma, tweets, feeds, and applications on their phones- anything to give them that much-needed dose of vicarious excitement. Your only defense against them is to keep your wits about you. If you feel your cognitive intelligence may be impaired for some reason the only thing you can do is run as fast as you can.

Remember, if you see any of these types of zombies around you should immediately inform the CDC* so they can begin tracking and containing the outbreak. Do not try to take matters into your own hands in the form of a metal object being propelled at upwards of six hundred miles per hour by a tiny explosion or you will be arrested. Simply try to keep your distance from the zombies so as to avoid being infected with the brain-damaging malignancy they all possess.


*Center for Density Control