So... what you're saying is that you think I'm fat?

Here's a punchline I hope someday to use. When someone, someday, asks me how I get ideas for my blog I'll say: "Oh, well, you know, sometimes they just come to me or I'll be reading and I'll get an idea or sometimes someone will walk up to me and hand me an idea. Literally."

The other day I was at work in the evening and there was this guy who had been shopping and he walked up to the counter. He looked like he wanted to ask a question so I asked if I could help him. And the first thing he says to me is something like: "Are there a lot of overweight people in {city I live in}? I mean, the demographic. It's related to a business opportunity." I think I must have stared at him for several seconds. The wheels were turning in my head. At first I wondered if this was in any way related to the store that I work for and us selling things. "Uhm. I'm not sure I really know..." I temporized. "Do you have a piece of paper and a pen?" He asked me next. We do. I gave them to him in the hopes that this will cause him to buy his magazine and go away sooner rather than later.

While he wrote on the paper he spoke, making the writing go much more slowly. He sounded vaguely excited about whatever it is that he's talking about but I find it difficult to understand people who are talking in the direction of their own hands (unless their hands are between my face and the person talking). Phrases that I remember him say during the entire conversation include: "It's a meal-replacement shake. 170 calories. I did it. I'm a biker. I race bicycles. But I couldn't get rid of that fat around my belly but this did it. I know people that make 30,000 dollars a month. I make 15,000 dollars a month and I'm a pilot. It's real easy. You just have to do it and you lose weight and if you can get three other people to do it it pays for yours. After that you make money from it. And you don't have to talk to family or anything. You can tell anyone. You'll be helping them to lose weight." I also remember something about a BMW and protesting that I could not drive. I think he also invited me to call him.

I realized that he might never go away if I did not agree with him so I told him I would visit the website he had written down and check it out. Apparently satisfied he bought his magazine and finally left. Once he was gone I had time to actually digest what he said. Especially as I briefly told my coworker about him when she came back to the front of the store. And basically it boiled down to: There's a multi-level marketing opportunity to sell meal-replacement shakes. First you take the "ninety-day challenge" and then you can sell it to other people and make money from it.

I did look up the website he gave me. It's vernonSHOPS.myvi.net/challenge. This is obviously not the website for the real product but instead a generic and individualized shop just to convince you to enter your contact information so this guy can contact you and try to sell you this and probably you'll also go on a bunch of mailing lists you'll never be able to get off and telemarketers will call you and that kind of thing. Just by poking around his website it looks as though, if he is indeed making 15,000 dollars a month, he is not doing it through the website. There's extremely little traffic at all, never mind from other people. I decide to move on and from the logo I can tell that the company is called ViSalus so I punch that into Google. I don't even have to bother putting in "scam" along with it because half the websites that pop up along with the actual one contain the word scam in the title. I look at their website and the stuff that they've given away and the things they've done for people.

It appears as though ViSalus is not actually a scam but it is a multi-level marketing scheme. (About which you ought to already know my opinion and if not check out my previous post Pyramid Schemes, Multilevel Marketing, & Paying it Forward.) I wouldn't expect to make money from it and it's not a product I would use. Despite the fact that the name is "ViSalus Sciences" and they have this "scientific" information on their website about the products I also wouldn't think it would be the safest way to lose weight and I'd advise consulting with your physician if you are considering trying it. Their website makes it seem very exciting and like a sure bet kind of thing but as with all of these companies: They aren't trying to make you money; they're trying to make themselves money and if you make some for yourself while you're at it then good for you.

Having checked out the website and knowing what I now know about it I wish I could go back and have that conversation with that guy again. I have some very pressing questions for him. But the one I really want to ask and sort of wish I had (to see if it would have stopped the conversation dead in its tracks) is: "So... what you're saying is that you think I'm fat?"

My Idea of Dieting

I do not claim to be a doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, or anyone who ought to have any knowledge of dieting. I do not recommend following following this. If you chose to do so you do so at your own risk.

I have dieted exactly twice in my life. The first time I lost forty pounds in six months, became incredibly ill for a month, discovered I had precipitous gallstones, and thusly had to have one of my organs removed. As a result of the illness I lost even more weight and was at the thinnest I've been since reaching, roughly, my current height. Over the past seven or so years I gained back all the weight I lost and more and hadn't tried to diet again because I had this strange aversion to it though I cannot possibly imagine what that might be exactly- organ removal, perhaps? However my weight recently reached a particular round number that I definitely did not like. I had also recently seen a documentary about this guy who eats a certain way for thirty days (hint: I do not mean Super Size Me). So I decided to start losing weight again with the second diet I have ever undertaken.

Now, both times I have dieted I have not particularly followed a doctor-prescribed diet. I took all the dieting information I knew about and I did what I always do with a lot of information. I drew my own conclusions about what I should or should not do to lose weight. Quicktrim, Slim-Fast, Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig are all flawed. So many diets are completely flawed. Dieting is about loosing weight but so many people gain that weight back because of the diet. Loosing weight shouldn't be about loosing weight it should be about changing your lifestyle to be healthier and as a result loosing weight. So my idea of dieting is not so much a diet as an... interesting course of action.

Each phase is to be added to the preceded phases, not done separately.

Phase 0: Be an unhealthy, overweight person. I had that one covered. If you are healthy (and aren't lying to yourself) but are overweight you should see a doctor and ask if you are pregnant and/or have some kind of thyroid problem.

Phase I: Lower your carbohydrate intake, increase your protein intake, and lower you overall calorie intake. That means eat eggs for breakfast instead of cereal, drinking diet soda, staying away from pasta, eating your burger without the bun and skipping the french fries.
Avoid snacking in between meals. Do not starve yourself. Do not count calories, count carbs obsessively, or exercise. Do not worry about the amount of fat or cholesterol you consume. Weigh yourself once per week (preferably on the same day each week.) Track your weight on the calendar.
When you weight has not gone down for at least two weeks in a row or it has gone down an insignificant amount in that time you should move on to the next phase. If this happens within the first two weeks you were either too healthy to begin with or you cheated. Cheating is strictly against the rules.

Phase II: Give up all non-diet soda, juice, and other beverages such as lattes which contain excessive carbohydrates. You may want to invest in a pitcher, a  Bobble, and a bunch of Crystal Light (I would not suggest putting Crystal Light in the Bobble, if you want portable Crystal Light get the individual packets and a water bottle if you don't have one already). Coffee, brewed in the traditional way (sorry, no instant, no cappuccino) and prepared to taste with Splenda or another zero calorie sweetener and creamer (or coffee whitening powder if you prefer) that does not contain a sweetener is acceptable. Tea (not tea in a can or bottle but made out of plants and not flavoring) prepared in this manner is also acceptable. You can even make your caffeinated beverage iced. I say that caffeinated beverages are okay because not only is caffeine the most addictive substance in the world and giving it up is miserable but also because caffeine is a diuretic which will cause you to- let's say expel waste more often than you might usually and, of course, how is the weight that you're supposed to be loosing get out of your body if you don't? Exactly.
Once again wait for your weight to plateau before moving on to the next phase.

Phase III: Add zero-calorie or negative calorie fruits and vegetables into your diet, as part of at least one daily meal and/or in between meals as snacks. Zero calorie foods are foods which are high in fiber and require a lot of chewing. Eating these foods raw is the nest method of consuming them at it required the most effort for your body to break them down and thus more calories are consumed to consume them. Got that? So celery, apples, pickles, that kind of thing. Or, you are welcome to look it up yourself. You should also begin to chew sugarless gum at this phase after meals or generally whenever you can or want to. Gum is not only sweet and can be used to help curb a sweet-tooth but also burns calories without you having to get up from your desk.
Wait a couple of weeks when your weight has plateaued before moving on. Since this is such an implausibly useful phase I intend to completely blame your inability to follow the plan if you don't make it past a couple of weeks losing weight at this phase.

Phase IV: Begin to accurately track the number of calories you consume and also the amount of carbohydrates you intake. Compare this to a healthy diet. Ignore this information. Actually write down how much you eat for every meal but do not be concerned about the numbers. Writing it down is the most important part.
Wait a couple weeks and proceed to the next phase.

Phase V: Begin to exercise ninety minutes a week. That is one half hour three times a week or fifteen minutes every day save one. You should never exercise less than fifteen minutes at a time. Exercise is anything that physically challenges you more than you usually do. A brisk walk, a run, using a push mower (unless you are already a professional landscaper already), walk up and down the stairs to your apartment (or wherever you use the stairs to go) like you have developed some kind of OCD and need to do it multiple times to be satisfied.
Continue doing this until your weight plateaus again then move on to phase VI.

Phase VI:  Add one half hour or exercise or alternately increase the vigor of your exercise sessions as your progressively plateau.
Continue until acceptable weight is attained then move on to the next phase.

Phase VII: Continue to monitor your weight closely and consider what you eat. Exercise regularly and don't go to excesses in eating. If you start to gain think about what you have been eating, exercise more and cut carbohydrates for a while.
Revel in your successfully healthy lifestyle. You're welcome.