My Idea of Dieting

I do not claim to be a doctor, dietitian, nutritionist, or anyone who ought to have any knowledge of dieting. I do not recommend following following this. If you chose to do so you do so at your own risk.

I have dieted exactly twice in my life. The first time I lost forty pounds in six months, became incredibly ill for a month, discovered I had precipitous gallstones, and thusly had to have one of my organs removed. As a result of the illness I lost even more weight and was at the thinnest I've been since reaching, roughly, my current height. Over the past seven or so years I gained back all the weight I lost and more and hadn't tried to diet again because I had this strange aversion to it though I cannot possibly imagine what that might be exactly- organ removal, perhaps? However my weight recently reached a particular round number that I definitely did not like. I had also recently seen a documentary about this guy who eats a certain way for thirty days (hint: I do not mean Super Size Me). So I decided to start losing weight again with the second diet I have ever undertaken.

Now, both times I have dieted I have not particularly followed a doctor-prescribed diet. I took all the dieting information I knew about and I did what I always do with a lot of information. I drew my own conclusions about what I should or should not do to lose weight. Quicktrim, Slim-Fast, Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig are all flawed. So many diets are completely flawed. Dieting is about loosing weight but so many people gain that weight back because of the diet. Loosing weight shouldn't be about loosing weight it should be about changing your lifestyle to be healthier and as a result loosing weight. So my idea of dieting is not so much a diet as an... interesting course of action.

Each phase is to be added to the preceded phases, not done separately.

Phase 0: Be an unhealthy, overweight person. I had that one covered. If you are healthy (and aren't lying to yourself) but are overweight you should see a doctor and ask if you are pregnant and/or have some kind of thyroid problem.

Phase I: Lower your carbohydrate intake, increase your protein intake, and lower you overall calorie intake. That means eat eggs for breakfast instead of cereal, drinking diet soda, staying away from pasta, eating your burger without the bun and skipping the french fries.
Avoid snacking in between meals. Do not starve yourself. Do not count calories, count carbs obsessively, or exercise. Do not worry about the amount of fat or cholesterol you consume. Weigh yourself once per week (preferably on the same day each week.) Track your weight on the calendar.
When you weight has not gone down for at least two weeks in a row or it has gone down an insignificant amount in that time you should move on to the next phase. If this happens within the first two weeks you were either too healthy to begin with or you cheated. Cheating is strictly against the rules.

Phase II: Give up all non-diet soda, juice, and other beverages such as lattes which contain excessive carbohydrates. You may want to invest in a pitcher, a  Bobble, and a bunch of Crystal Light (I would not suggest putting Crystal Light in the Bobble, if you want portable Crystal Light get the individual packets and a water bottle if you don't have one already). Coffee, brewed in the traditional way (sorry, no instant, no cappuccino) and prepared to taste with Splenda or another zero calorie sweetener and creamer (or coffee whitening powder if you prefer) that does not contain a sweetener is acceptable. Tea (not tea in a can or bottle but made out of plants and not flavoring) prepared in this manner is also acceptable. You can even make your caffeinated beverage iced. I say that caffeinated beverages are okay because not only is caffeine the most addictive substance in the world and giving it up is miserable but also because caffeine is a diuretic which will cause you to- let's say expel waste more often than you might usually and, of course, how is the weight that you're supposed to be loosing get out of your body if you don't? Exactly.
Once again wait for your weight to plateau before moving on to the next phase.

Phase III: Add zero-calorie or negative calorie fruits and vegetables into your diet, as part of at least one daily meal and/or in between meals as snacks. Zero calorie foods are foods which are high in fiber and require a lot of chewing. Eating these foods raw is the nest method of consuming them at it required the most effort for your body to break them down and thus more calories are consumed to consume them. Got that? So celery, apples, pickles, that kind of thing. Or, you are welcome to look it up yourself. You should also begin to chew sugarless gum at this phase after meals or generally whenever you can or want to. Gum is not only sweet and can be used to help curb a sweet-tooth but also burns calories without you having to get up from your desk.
Wait a couple of weeks when your weight has plateaued before moving on. Since this is such an implausibly useful phase I intend to completely blame your inability to follow the plan if you don't make it past a couple of weeks losing weight at this phase.

Phase IV: Begin to accurately track the number of calories you consume and also the amount of carbohydrates you intake. Compare this to a healthy diet. Ignore this information. Actually write down how much you eat for every meal but do not be concerned about the numbers. Writing it down is the most important part.
Wait a couple weeks and proceed to the next phase.

Phase V: Begin to exercise ninety minutes a week. That is one half hour three times a week or fifteen minutes every day save one. You should never exercise less than fifteen minutes at a time. Exercise is anything that physically challenges you more than you usually do. A brisk walk, a run, using a push mower (unless you are already a professional landscaper already), walk up and down the stairs to your apartment (or wherever you use the stairs to go) like you have developed some kind of OCD and need to do it multiple times to be satisfied.
Continue doing this until your weight plateaus again then move on to phase VI.

Phase VI:  Add one half hour or exercise or alternately increase the vigor of your exercise sessions as your progressively plateau.
Continue until acceptable weight is attained then move on to the next phase.

Phase VII: Continue to monitor your weight closely and consider what you eat. Exercise regularly and don't go to excesses in eating. If you start to gain think about what you have been eating, exercise more and cut carbohydrates for a while.
Revel in your successfully healthy lifestyle. You're welcome.