If It's The Thought That Counts...

If It's The Thought That Counts...
OR
Gifts I Wouldn't Give


If it is the thought that counts then I have to wonder why it is that stores are chock full of thoughtless gifts. Warm and fuzzy television specials tell us over and over that the monetary value of a gift doesn't matter and that we should give thoughtful or homemade gifts as they have more meaning. Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, wrote that he consciously logged all the time that he had spent thinking about and searching for the perfect gift for his (now) wife because he's so terrible at gift-giving he wanted her to know that he had put a lot of thought into it even if it might not seem that way. But I suppose that it's a good thing for companies like Ganz and Gund that people don't seem to be taking those TV Special morals to heart when they buy. Yet, when you get a gift you'd rather have something thoughtful and special most likely because it turns out that those TV Specials did do a pretty good job of brainwashing you. Just... not quite good enough.

How about starting off with "greeting cards"? Why is it that people feel the need to pay money to give someone a regurgitation of a stranger's words that any other person could also purchase to express the same sentiment? Who are you "greeting" that you hate so much you can't even stand to spend as long thinking about what to say to them as you do picking out the card to begin with? Some of those cards cost $5.99 or more. If you're into spending money to buy a stranger's words to give to someone you could spend that $5.99 on a book and then write in the front cover. At least with a book you not only get a whole lot more words for your money but also maybe a little entertainment for the recipient and significantly more fuel in the event of an apocalyptic future where your friend must burn books to survive. You don't have to write something witty or clever. Just write the occasion (Christmas, Birthday, Graduation, etc.), the date, that you love them or will be there for them or whatever, and then sign your name. That's all a lot of greeting cards have anyway.

Nothing says congratulations on graduating like a coffee mug. Literally, nothing. As far as I can tell there aren't really any other graduation gifts available. Apparently the makers of gifts feel that the only way to usher someone into a new era of their life is to give them a means to transport caffeine. That is the message that you send to your loved one when you give them a graduation mug. "Welcome to the next stage of your life. It's going to suck. You're going to need a lot of coffee." Encouraging people who are starting out fresh to consume addictive substances seems like a defeatist sentiment. I also know that receiving a mug for graduation feels emotionally as hollow as the mug itself. Get your graduate a stuffed animal, even  if they might scorn the little kiddishness of it they'll still appreciate the gesture when they're living in that post-apocalyptic future we were talking about before.

If you want to show appreciation of (or suck up to) a teacher then the thing you shouldn't give them is a notepad with some kind of teacher-related sentiment on it. They are a teacher. They work in a building that, if funded properly, should never have a shortage of paper (and if it does have a shortage of paper you'd be more well-appreciated to buy them a ream of plain paper for a tiny bit more money instead of the fifty sheets of one-inch squares) so why do they need a tiny notepad that barely has room to write a single sentence on it. If you actually want to be appreciated get them a package of nice pens/pencils in standard colors and a large package of crappy pens/pencils because one thing that students are always stealing are pens and pencils from teachers. Even if the teacher is retiring pens will still be useful in their post-teacher life while tiny notepads with teacher-related sentiments will just be kind of ridiculous.

Do you know what it says to someone when they buy them, instead of a chocolate bunny, a tiny not very plush looking stuffed rabbit that comes in a box with a cellophane window just like a chocolate rabbit? Well, unless that person is allergic to chocolate, it says: "I know better than you do about limiting the effects of chemicals like phenylethylamine, theobromine, endorphins, anandamide, and tryptophan on your brain." But do you really? Can you actually pronounce the ones other than endorphins? And why should it be your job to say that that someone shouldn't have a substance that changes your blood pressure or causes mental and physical relaxation, or acts as an anti-depressant, or acts like THC, or triggers a release or serotonin which literally makes makes you happy all in one convenient as well as delicious package? Give them the chocolate and if you're (or they are) worried about their weight then just don't give them a lot of chocolate. But why give someone a non-cuddly plushie-shaped tease when you can make them happy (literally)?

What about a little piece of metal or glass or most likely plastic that you give to someone so they can carry it around in their pocket? Would you give that to someone? A useless bit of material for them to carry around in their pocket? An object that has no meaning whatsoever except that which we imbue it with? I sell those all the time. We call them "pocket tokens" and people rarely buy the tokens because they look like something, they buy them because they like the pre-packaged "meaning" they come with in the form of a little printed card displayed with each one. Why not collect a pebble for your friend from your, or their, or your shared favorite outdoor place and give that to them? It would have a lot more meaning. Or, if they're not an outdoor-appreciating sort spend a quarter on a bouncy-ball from a machine at the grocery store and give them that to keep in their pocket. If you feel the need to attach a pre-packaged meaning to the bouncy-ball gift then tell them it's to remind them of innocent happiness. At least a bouncy ball they can play with unlike a pocket token.

And the greatest gift of ADD you can give is in the form of an object so distracting that not even your typical sane and ordinary person will be able to perform normal, simply functions around it. Yes, I am talking about the incredible quality of the new 3D bookmarks. I know they are effectively distracting because they're displayed on a spinner on the counter and any customer that comes within range of them will inevitable be unable to do anything but comment on them and, if they have even a marginally disposable income, buy one (or several) even though they come at five bucks a pop. You could buy your gift recipient a second book at that price. And unless your recipient is both illiterate and easily amused they'll probably appreciate a second book a whole lot more even barring the possibility of a terrible post-apocalyptic future when they may come in handy.

Two of the (literally and figuratively) most empty statements you can make with a gift would be a picture frame (but no picture in it) or a set of decorative measuring spoons. The purpose of a picture frame is to contain a picture so unless you have a picture of someone or something that holds some meaning or beauty for the recipient that you wish to frame you shouldn't be purchasing them a picture frame. Similarly, the purpose of a measuring spoon is to accurately measure ingredients. So far as I can tell decorative measuring spoons do not accurately measure ingredients and should therefore not be purchased unless your express intent is to ruin the food preparations made by the person who got the decorative measuring spoons.

I can think of no more eloquent way to say "I secretly loathe you." than by gifting someone a keyring or bottle opener. No matter what kind of thing the key ring is featuring or what the bottle opener is attached to they still give the sentiment that your relationship with this person is the same to you as a drug company's relationship with potential new customers. If they can't seduce them with intentionally confusing advertisements they want to get them with the guerrilla warfare style campaign of permeating tiny areas of your every day life with small clutter objects bearing their logo that work on the customer's subconscious causing them to want to get the drug if they ever feel the need for it or have it suggested to them. Drug companies as a whole are for profit and  people who must be convinced to buy a product are merely a necessary evil to be dealt with. Is that the message you want to give to someone? I got you this yellow lab bottle opener not because I thought it was a genuine expression of your love for yellow labs but because I think that by getting you a yellow lab bottle opener I have fulfilled my obligation to get you a present. Well, if it is then go right ahead but otherwise you will want to consider a different gift.

Stuffed animals are normally a gift that I would encourage you to give to persons of any age because it turns out that human beings who aren't sociopaths don't really run out of reasons to feel like they need a hug when there's no one around to give one. However, I would explicitly exclude in this encouragement the subset of stuffed animals that are not soft and cuddly, are scary-looking, contain things that make noise, or come with a key for a addictive digital game that may result in the recipient's eventual bankruptcy. Anything like that is not a thoughtful or pleasant gift to give.

Some of the worst thoughtless gift offenders are door-knockers, fake rocks, fake plants and "key hiders". Door-knockers and "key hiders" of any kind or attractiveness imply something about what you think of the recipient. It means you think that not only are they so lacking in intelligence or wits that they will frequently lose their house key and also that their guests, if faced with a door lacking a bell, will not know how to knock unless there is a door-knocker present on their door. Fake rocks or fake plants also state resoundingly: "I think you're stupid." Either I think you're stupid enough that you can't tell the difference between real and fake objects from nature or I think you're so stupid that I don't think you could even keep a real rock alive so I got you a fake rock/plant to care for.

And my absolute most loathed thoughtless gift item is any kind of magnet, rock-like object, paperweight, plate, or placard with any kind of motivational, religious, witty, statement of advice, or heartfelt sentiment on it. You don't need a piece of useless cutter-causing junk that the recipient feels would be rude to just throw away but is too embarrassed to display anywhere in their home to say something to someone. If you want to give someone a loving, encouraging statement you don't give them a ceramic plaque painted purple with white lettering and a rainbow and fluffly clouds painted on it bearing the legend: "May you always have rainbows." You give them a prism on a strong long enough to hand around their neck or hang in a window and you vocalize to them: "So you can always have rainbows."

And though there are many more thoughtless gifts you may fall prey to that I didn't list here maybe I managed to steer you toward some marginally less thoughtless gifts to give people.