Angry Stupid People

      Stupid people as defined by: The fact that they are easily angered because of their own stupidity.
      An example of this kind of stupidity would be the folks who leave long, angry, ranting, poorly-worded and badly-typed negative feedback for online sellers who sent them- exactly what they paid for. These people are not angry because they got what they paid for. They're angry that they didn't realize what they were paying for. They often try to blame the seller for their oversight by saying that the listing didn't say that the product was generic or that it didn't come with the controller. This is rarely the case.
      Someone who sells online on a place like eBay or Amazon might make a little bit of money by deceiving someone once but they can make a lot more money in the long-term by being entirely honest. Which is not to say they might not hope you think you're getting the genuine article and therefore bid more for it but they don't expect you to. Therefore you can be fairly certain that if you read the product description it will say that what you're bidding on is generic or that it doesn't come in the original box or that it's scratched.
      These angry stupid people nearly always try to blame the seller because they know, deep inside, that if it's not the seller's fault then they were deceived because of their stupidity but as they are not stupid this cannot possibly be the case. Another feature of stupid people is that they generally have no idea that they might not be particularly bright.
      These people are the same people who might blame their bank if they lost their identity and someone used it to wrack up massive debt. Because obviously it wasn't their fault for falling for that phone scam. It must be the bank's fault for not adequately protecting their identity. It could not possibly be their own fault for giving out personal information over the phone as you are frequently warned not to do.
      Despite the fact that I work in a place that sells severely over-priced gift items I have yet to have the pleasure of dealing with a stupid angry person attempting to make a gift return. I have heard some fun stories. In fact we had one person who came in a couple of weeks ago and was (in his own words) "just looking for something cheap for my girlfriend". He bought her some jewelry that has never been very popular and was thusly marked down. He returned the next morning before the store opened and yelled at my manager because they weren't open yet and he wanted to return the gifts that his girlfriend hadn't liked. He literally threw the items on the floor in disgust and stalked off to one of the other stores until they opened. When he came back he said he wanted to return the items and Dianne said she wouldn't take them without a receipt. He yelled and said to get the girl he had purchased them from the night previously. Obviously it wasn't possible for Dianne to get Jenn on the phone or in the store to confirm his identity (not that she would have wanted to) and told him that if he found the receipt he could come back later.
      I really wanted to talk to this guy. I wanted to ask him how he could lose his receipt overnight and what the logic in buying his girlfriend something cheap was if she wouldn't like it for that very reason. Why not buy her something thoughtful instead? Or give her a gift card if he was so totally clueless about what would please her?
      I honestly hope that someone else like him comes into the store when I'm there and starts yelling so I can explain to them that our return policy is clearly posted in several places around the store and that we, like most other stores, will not accept returns of items without the receipt. We can't give refunds on credit card purchases unless you have the card with you. We absolutely will not accept Webkinz returns, not even for store credit unless you haven't opened or tampered with the tag even if you do have proof of sale. We do not accept returns of any adult magazines unless they are wrapped in plastic that hasn't been tampered with. We will not refund you for a book because you didn't like it. And if you cannot understand any of those concepts you shouldn't be trusted with money.
      Of course, this would have to occur when there was a K&E guy at the mall because otherwise I suspect this might incite the stupid angry person into harming me in physically violent ways. I guess it's a lot to ask for; having a security guard on hand at the same time as an angry stupid person is trying to return something without a proof of purchase but I can always hope.

The Key to Happiness is Online Shopping

      My favorite kind of retail therapy is the kind where I sit at my computer, click things, examine stuff and have it sent to my house. I enjoy the limitless selection, the low prices and my agoraphobia especially enjoys the lack of crowds. I like to look up stuff I have no intention of buying just to see what the prices are. I like to look up random things just to see if they exist. I love to speed through Amazon or Google check-out where I don't even have to put in my information. It's practically a magical experience at that point.
      I've read a few different things about what makes people happy lately. The interesting theory right now (probably best described by the Empirical Cynicist Nassim Nicholas Taleb author of The Black Swan) is that getting something nice makes you happy. Getting something nice worth as little as ten dollars one week and something of equal value the next week will make you happier than if you got something worth thirty dollars the first week and nothing the second week. Happiness does not scale up. If you get something really nice or make a lot of money all at once you're not going to be as happy as if you got small but steady rewards that, as a whole, didn't add up to as much material value as the theoretical lump sum.
      As far as work goes that means that working in the medical profession or as a salesperson is going to make you a lot happier than if you're a scientist. Helping someone by giving them a life-enhancing treatment or helping them to pick out the perfect cellular phone for their needs gives you a steady diet of small rewards. Picking M&Ms and eating them one at a time will be a lot more satisfying for your sweettooth than getting a Snickers and scarfing that down in three bites. Searching for the cure to a crippling disease year after year with no results until finally after decades of work you discover that cure and win a Humanitarian Award just wont make you as happy as being a doctor. Your brain just is not wired that way.
      But since we can't all have steadily-rewarding careers we need some other plan to be happy. Which is where I like to digress back to online shopping. The online shopping experience itself is very enjoyable. You can sit in perfect comfort in your favorite chair, totally naked, while drinking beer, eating chips and watching sitcoms. Regular shopping means you have to stand up. You have to be wearing clothes, possibly uncomfortable clothes. You cannot drink or be under the influence of anything more mind-altering than caffeine. You can't watch television when you do it. You have to go out of the house where there are other people and actually interact with them. You probably have to drive or at least walk someplace. You have to go into a store and see if they have a product in stock and examine the package scrupulously to see if it's what you actually wanted. If you want to comparison shop you have to go to multiple places and look at many different products to figure out the best deal. Most likely you will find this process exhausting and expensive no matter what you're buying.
      Going back to sitting naked at your computer. You're comfortable. It's easy to comparison shop at dozens of different places in a short period of time. It's easy to see whether other people in similar situations were happy with the product you're considering. It's easy to see whether the product is what you want and check out the specifications. It's easy to get a really good price without going anywhere. It's all very easy.
      Not to mention that ease and comfort aren't the best parts. It's often significantly less expensive to buy products online. When I check-out online I always feel very satisfied. I found what I wanted and got a good price. It makes me happy. For the next few days I get to happily anticipate when my package will come. I don't like to obsessively check the tracking on things I order so when they show up it's a surprise. Everyone loves surprises. Especially good surprises. And it's always shipped in a box of course so you get to open it up and unwrap it just like a present. To take it out of the packaging and read the instructions. And then you can tell people about it even if it is not the most exciting thing in the world. "Today my new coffee carafe came. It was exactly what I wanted."
      Ordering things, anticipating them and having them finally arrive are all good for your brain. People like to shop because it actually makes them happy. You get a nice release of dopamine in your brain. that's why some people can become addicted to shopping. But at the same time dopamine is an antidepressant. So the next time you're feeling down or you need something that you don't have to have immediately do yourself a favor and get on the computer and order it, you'll be a happier person. But remember: Don't order your groceries online and always shop in moderation!