All Your Problems Are Self-Inflicted

This is how I imagine the conversation going. I tell you you are no longer allowed to complain. And then, in agonizing detail, I explain to you point-by-point how all of your problems are self-inflicted. I imagine that you are rendered mute and immobile for some reason because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get through the whole list I have prepared. Or perhaps time itself is warped in some way because in my mind we are in a public place and the world around us stands still as I speak. Just so you understand how much I have thought about this.

- For reasons that are unclear to me you went to college for two years to attain a useless major that you decided to abandon in favor of going to college for another four years to attain a possibly more useless major (so useless that even the internet is vague in describing what it is exactly). As a result of these decisions you have a fair amount of debt you must now repay. You complain about your debt even though it's much less than what most people are working on repaying.

- You cannot attain a job having to do with your major. You complain about this even though you seem to be aware that your major was 'not as practical as other majors' you could have chosen.

- You have a lot of bills to pay every month because you choose to live alone in a one bedroom apartment. You complain about this despite the fact that you are aware a one bedroom apartment is nearly as expensive as a two bedroom apartment.

- As a result of your decision to live alone and your inability to get a well-paying job in spite of your college degree you have to work around sixty hours a week at two menial jobs in order to make enough money to pay for your rent and such. You complain about this profusely rather than doing anything to change the situation you're in.

- You often have to get up early in the morning. This is a direct result of your having to work but you complain about it regardless.

- You do not seem to like your boss. You complain to me about this person even though I do not know them and likely the only reason you dislike them is because they're your boss.

- Your work schedule is worthy of complaint and having to work 'doubles' (as in, a shift at one job and then a shift at another even though this may only account for ten hours of work in a day) is something you bring up every time they happen. You complain about this though if you did things differently you wouldn't have to work as much.

- You rarely get whole days off never mind multiple whole days in a row. This, again, is a direct result of the fact that you work two jobs and you still feel the need to complain about it whenever possible.

- You are often tired. You complain about this constantly though it is an obvious result of how much you work.

- Any physical ailment no matter how minor is worth complaining about at least twenty times a day for a week. You once complained about a tiny superficial cut to one of your fingers for no less than a week and insisted on giving me the play-by-play action for how it happened originally and how the healing had progressed in the meantime each time I saw you during this period.

- Any physical ailment worth complaining about is worth bringing up again long after it happened. You complain about injuries to your person long after they occur even though it should be obvious that a healed injury is not worthy of sympathy.

- You once complained to me that someone else we know does not like you. It turns out that this is because you never have anything new to talk about since the vast majority of your choice topics of conversation revolve around creating a giant pity-party for yourself.

I am willing to give you the benefit of a doubt. It is theoretically possible that you were somehow unaware that other people's live suck too and that often other people's lives suck through no fault of their own. However, now that you know this I am going to have to require that you no longer complain around me because it does not stir any kind of empathy in me- just irritation.

Living as Roommates

Roommate
Does (did) most of the dishes.
Takes out the trash most often.
Sweeps occasionally (pretty much all our apartment ever gets swept).
Sometimes cleans up in other ways.
Once a week (tops) he might give me a ride somewhere.
Buys toilet paper (though rarely the same quality and not often the same amount) roughly every other time we need it.
Holds responsibility for paying rent to our landlord (actually transferring the money over, I mean, I write him a check and his brother also gives him money to contribute to the rent).
Has the electric bill in his name (for which I pay him 1/3 or 1/2 depending on whether his brother is contributing or not).
Owns the television, playstation, and the majority of games and movies in our apartment.
Has (and pays for) the Netflix account we all use to watch movies and television shows as we don't have cable, satellite, or even a antenna to pick up free stations.
Has been unemployed since the beginning of march (three and a half months after we moved in and we have currently lived here for eight and a half months). Receives unemployment and foodstamps.


Me
Occasionally does dishes. Rarely forgets to at least rinse them. Often wshes/rinses dirty dishes to reuse rather than use clean ones.
Takes out the trash sometimes.
Rarely sweeps.
Sometimes cleans up in other ways.
Enjoys cooking and often makes food and shares said food.
Does not complain that eggs (frequently), spices (frequently), milk (sometimes), coffee (often), butter (frequently), peanut butter (often), and other foodstuffs (constantly) paid for and carried home myself (as I do not, after all, own/drive a car or frequently get rides from my roommate) are used/eaten by other people.
Does not complain that toothpaste and mouthwash disappear at a much more rapid rate than if I were the only one using them.
Buys toilet paper (the kind I wish we had all the time) every other time and then some that we need it.
Has the highspeed internet with which we stream Netflix movies/shows, browse the web, shoot zombies with people around the world in real time (that's all him, not me, I've never liked first-person shooters), and god only knows what else (porn, probably) in my name and pays the full amount for it because after splitting the $30 dollar charge for the first few months I decided to get $54 dollar a month internet just after roommate became unemployed and thought I would be nice and not charge him for it until he became employed again.
Bought a $210 8,000 BTU airconditioner when the weather in combination with our third-floor apartment made living unbearable and allowed the airconditioner to be installed in the living room and not my bedroom.
Covers for roommate and brother of roommate by lending gas money and other stuff between paychecks (which is sometimes not returned in full).
Has been employed for almost two solid years with the same company, makes minimum wage, and manages to keep my head above water despite working part-time.


Brother of Roommate (living with us)
Did the dishes twice just after moving in and once in the past couple days after roommate declared he didn't want to do other people's dishes any more.
Occasionally takes out the trash.
Does not sweep.
Does not clean up in other ways.
Frequently leaves dirty dishes around the apartment, does not rinse his dishes, and rather than rinsing out his glass and using the same one he used for water to hold juice and later water again uses three different ones in one day.
Reuses his towels many times and leaves the stinky things in the bathroom.
Sleeps on our couch (making it difficult to have guests) and leaves dirty clothing around living room not to mention the fact that I cannot use anything in the living room before noon (about which time I am often getting ready for work).
Has bought toilet paper once since living with us.
Never has any money (despite making around a hundred dollars a week more than I do, while my roommate gets unemployment for nearly as much money as I make not to mention foodstamps) and struggles to give roommate $200 bucks to cover some rent and electric.
Attracts emotional drama like a guy who golfs in lightening storms.


So tell me... does that add up? Because somehow it doesn't seem to come out evenly for me. That the guy who makes the most money pays the least for rent and utilities (though he does sleep on our couch, granted)? Funnily enough the months when roommate's brother was basically at our apartment constantly (and I've yet to mention that he works forty hours a week but does them consecutively and gets to sleep while there, of course so he is here a lot) except while working and to actually sleep my roommate did not complain about the dishes. Oh. And when I say "does the dishes" I mean that we have a dishwasher into which dishes are loaded, soap is added, and timer is set and that's "doing the dishes". Oh! And though our apartment has forty to sixty or more me-free hours every week I am rarely alone in it. Am I justified in feeling like I'm beating my head against the wall and wanting to kick out roomate's brother? Yes? I better be.