Bad Punchline: Three Vegetarians Cook a Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the United States and anyone else who follows crazy American traditions and happy twenty-fourth of November to everyone else. Between the fact that today is a national holiday where I live (my job is closed and everything) and that I am still banging my head against the fifty thousand word total needed to successfully complete NaNoWriMo and the exceedingly early hour at which this was posted you might be able to tell I wrote this post up in advance. (Over a month in advance, actually.) But also six weeks ahead of schedule I came up with a (hopefully) funny joke for you to enjoy.

Today, for the third year running, my parents are coming up for Thanksgiving. Despite the fact that my brother, sister-in-law, and myself are vegetarians we believe that family traditions are important. Thanksgiving just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a giant meal cooking in the kitchen. Not only that but all three of us feel the need to include the standard dishes our families had when we were kids. Even though both our families are from the same state we have very different idea of what Thanksgiving dinners ought to consist of. The first year we not only poisoned my nephew (we hadn't yet learned he was allergic to peanutbutter) but also ended up with enough pie to eat for a month. Last year we had our friend Sean over and I remember very doggedly telling him a story I can't now recall as I tried to ignore my mother throwing up in the living room. This year for non-family members I had a special invitation message: "Bringing food or alcohol is mandatory because we're poor. You may also need to bring a chair. We ask that you kindly leave your age at the door but entertainment should be well-covered because what could be funnier than three vegetarians trying to cook a turkey?"

Reasons that Ashley is Awesome

Here are some reasons that Ashley is awesome:

Saving me wheat pennies to give to Cheryl.
Having a adorable little daughter.
Having her life on track.
Keeping a A average in college.
Working, being a mom, and going to college.
Her fantastic ability to save money with coupons.
Her connection with her family.
Her documentation of her daughter's life.
Willingness to listen to my bad jokes.
Devotion to my blog.
Enjoyment of ugly jewelry.
Exaggerating everything.
Cutting her hair really short and wearing little-girl barrettes.
How she doesn't just go to the store she goes on an adventure to the store.
How fun she is to be around.
How refreshing she is compared to some of my other coworkers.
Her crazy ideas about things.
Her random obsessions.
Willingness to lend an ear to problems.
The little kids' book she wrote for her daughter.
Adding 'reasons that Ashley is Awesome' to the end of a list of ideas I wanted to write blogs about.

Reasons That You're Probably Insane

You're probably insane if you:

Ever talk to yourself outloud
Ever answer your own questions
Ever talk to your pets
Ever talk to inanimate objects
Compulsively check your e-mail
Compulsively check your Facebook
Blow off real-world activities in order to tend your farm in Farmville
Blow off real-world activities in order to play any flash game
Spend multiple hours each day playing any kind of game
Feel inexplicable joy when your cellphone goes off
Feel joy when other people are hurt
Fail to feel anything in response to tragedy
Feel joy in response to tragedy
Feel any other otherwise inappropriate emotion during any situation in which a normal person would feel one specific and obvious emotion
Take any kind of medication
Practice any kind of religion
Pray during scary, life-threatening, or stressful situations
Actively try to be unique
Obsessively try to fit in and be like everyone else
Obsess over the lives of celebrities
Frequently watch the news
Exercise on a regular basis
Drink sweat farmed from animals
Are a omnivore
Are a vegan or vegetarian
Are pro-life
Are pro-choice
Have ever lived on terra firma
Know how to read the english language
Think that I'm just using this list to play games with your head

Reasons I Might Be Crazy

Some reasons I might be crazy:


I often find myself counting my steps.
When I'm in the grocery store I find myself counting in foreign languages in my head as I navigate around people. When I do this and get to a point I can't remember I switch rapidly to another language and cycle through all the ones I know.
I frequently practice conversations with people in advance.
I frequently come up with comebacks or funny stories to tell in advance.
Even though many things bother me to the point of distraction I deal with them passive aggressively rather than head-on.
I over-plan simple things like bus trips to unfamiliar places and conversations I don't want to have.
I sometimes wait to see if problems will go away before dealing with them.
I carry on conversations with myself in my head. Both talking to and answering myself.
I narrate my life inside my head editing as I go along. You know how Scrubs is narrated? I do that. All the time.
I never stop thinking. My head is always busy.
I tap on things and pace back and forth when I'm uncomfortable.
I go through the same motions again and again when I deal with customers to the point that I even brush my hair out of my eyes at the same points during every transaction.
I come up with optimal PC phrases to say to customers to make them happy and use them over and over again.
I am not fond of greetings.
I am startled when I am referred to by my real name. Especially outloud.
I begin conversations with no preamble.
I talk about whatever I happen to be thinking about at any given time.
I can be quiet for long stretches some times but at others I speak like it's a compulsion.
I have this paranoia that I need to get a MRI to find out if I have Multiples Sclerosis.
I prefer fantasy to reality.

National Novel Writing Month

Hello, hello. If you don't know already November is National Novel Writing Month (often referred to as NaNoWriMo with each syllable being pronounced the same as it would be in the word it comes from). I'm quite fond of National Novel Writing Month and will be working on a novel idea for it this year. I will be trying to write 50,000 words in thirty days (the feat you need to achieve in order to 'win') which is approximately 1,700 words each day or a little less than two pages single-spaced and in total works out to roughly 187 pages in a novel. I also work between thirty and forty hours a week and enjoy doing things like sleeping and hanging out with my family occasionally. Understandably I probably will not have a lot of time to write exciting new things for my subscribers to read during November but never fear for unlike Epimethius in his acceptance of Pandora I have the power of thinking ahead. I've already scheduled a post for the first which you are currently reading and I have a post scheduled for the twenty-fourth. Prior to my writing this I have an additional two pre-written posts which I will put up at some point in November and I'm going to try to crank out a couple more before October officially ends. My normal cynical self will resume my pessimistic observations of the world as soon as December first but in the meantime please enjoy the pre-written posts I've managed to scrape together.

If you're interested in reading my NaNoWriMo project check back for an update that will include a link to somewhere you can view the writing (as soon as I figure out where I want to put it).