My Idea of "Fashion"

My idea of fashion, to those who actually believe in being fashionable, probably belongs within the realms of fashion nightmares. My idea of fashion is like my own brand of insanity- it makes perfect sense to me.

My ideas for shoes: I have six or seven pairs of shoes and every single pair is black. If seven feels excessive to you when they're all the same color you obviously don't live up here where the seasons necessitate different shoes depending on the weather. Three pairs of boots, two pairs of sneakers, and two pairs of sandals does not seem excessive. Why is every pair black? I'm told that black goes with everything. Also- stains do not show on black things.


My ideas for socks: I have dozens of socks. All the ones that I have purchased are black. Why all black socks? Because that way not only do I never have mismatched socks but also they don't get dingy after a while like the white ones do. I will admit I own a few pairs of non-black socks and these are of the excessively fuzzy variety and I wear them around the house in the winter if I'm cold. Most of them came from my mother or my aunt. I get them every year for Christmas. I also get at least one blanket for Christmas.


My ideas for pants: All of my shorts are black. I also own black slacks, black jeans, blue jeans, and one pair of grey jeans. I would never buy a pair of pants that has no pockets.

My ideas for undergarments: I find them to be uncomfortable and not especially useful or attractive. I tend to neglect to wear them most of the time. The few pairs I do own are black and functional. I don't even bother to buy the 'attractive' ones because they aren't.



My ideas for shirts: Shirts come in two varieties- plain solid-colored long-sleeved ones and short-sleeved ones with some kind of design or picture. My long-sleeved shirts come in two or three shades of grey, black, and two or three shades of blue. There are no exceptions. My t-shirts come in black, various shades of grey, and various shades of blue. I don't have any green ones right now but I'm not averse to wearing green. I don't buy shirts with stripes, dots, or any kind of repeating pattern. I also don't buy shirts with button collars or collars of any kind, really. I don't buy shirts with logos of any kind or wear ones that have them. There is one exception to the previous rule: I own a Dr. Pepper shirt because Dr. Pepper is delicious and I don't mind wearing an advertisement for them even though it means I own a singular maroon shirt. I don't advertise for anyone else, though. In the winter I wear my t-shirs over my long-sleeved shirts so that they are usually layered in contrast though I sometimes wear grey t-shirts over grey long-sleeved shirts but I never do this with any other color. In the summer I just wear t-shirts and no long-sleeves. I never wear the long-sleeved shirts by themselves unless I'm ill or am currently engaged in the act of washing my laundry.


My ideas for jackets: I have three hoodies. Two of them are grey and one of them is black. Hoodies are intended for chilly weather. For cooler weather I have a standard US Navy Peacoat but this is wool and therefore cannot be worn during any kind of precipitation. I also have a large winter coat that goes down to my thighs because if you live in cold weather you need a coat that covers your ass or else you will be cold.


My ideas for 'accessories': I have one pair of grey gloves. I have one black knit hat. I have one black scarf made of some kind of fuzzy synthetic. I think I still own a tie or two that I don't really wear but I used to wear them in high school a lot with inappropriately casual outfits.


My ideas for jewelry: Jewelry shouldn't be 'nice' or 'tasteful' it should be interesting. If it's not worth talking about it's not worth wearing.


So my ideas for overall fashion end up boiling down to not owning anything but complementary colors and large portions of my wardrobe consist of neutral black and grey. This way not only can I never clash but I could be struck blind and pick out my clothes randomly and still match. It's both practical and weirdly obsessive. It also means that when I get new clothes that are slightly different from my usual wardrobe people that I work with or see on a regular basis end up looking at me because they can't quite figure out what's different about me. Having strict rules about what I wear makes it easier to buy clothes because I'm not paralyzed by indecision induced by an stratospheric number of choices and it makes it easier to get dressed because I can just grab some clothes and put them on without worrying about how they'll look together. I guess there might be a reason for my insanity but you still probably wouldn't call it 'fashion'.