2031: The Next Apocalypse

My roommate figures that we should start thinking about the next apocalypse after 2012 so that we can start capitalizing on the merchandise and books and memorabilia as soon as we all survive 2012. So based upon my very scientific* research and calculations I've determined that the next likely apocalypse will take place in the year 2031 sometime between May and October. It will likely be due to plague, financial collapse, war, or some combination there of. Fortunately none of those things preclude the continued existence of humanity afterward (though what the state of the world will be is hard to speculate upon with any accuracy). But everyone loves a good Apocalypse scare. People have been waiting for the Rapture for many years. And every time some loud person who apparently only selectively reads the bible (because when the apocalypse happens is supposed to be 'unknowable by anyone' so I paraphrase from the bible) says that they've determined the world is going to end there's a least one person rushing to believe them. Obviously the end of the world however real or imagined it might be and no matter the basis upon which people make their predictions is an event people want to believe in and capitalize upon. I highly encourage you to spread the word about 2031. I'll start working on a book right away and leave the t-shirts and things to those who are good at that kind of stuff.









*The books I used for research are all from a genre with 'science' in it, at least.

My Religion

I occasionally talk about other religions but never about my own. I actually don't really think that it qualifies as religion, per se. I am not "spiritual" particularly. I do not pray. I take the lord's name in vain often (my number one exclamatory phrase or swear is either Jesus or Christ but I don't know which one). I do not believe in organized religion. I do not believe in donating money to organized religion. I do not believe that the bible is anything more than an interesting historical fiction. Neither is the Al-Qur'an or the Book of Mormon. I have read all three of those books and they're all quite interesting but though they may contain some true historical facts I don't believe they are the absolute truth. These are all the things I don't believe in so before you decide I must be an atheist here is one more: I don't even really believe in atheism.

I am not "spiritual" because I'm not so sure that "spiritual" actually means anything. According to the free dictionary website it is "of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material". So it is relating to things which are intangible or immaterial. Things which are immaterial and intangible can only be defined by what they are not. I, being a material creature, cannot by my very nature be immaterial and thus, cannot be spiritual. I know that this is a literal definition but I can't exactly think of a non-literal interpretation that makes sense for those people who claim to be "spiritual" unless they are merely claiming to have souls or perhaps they are claiming that they themselves are gods? I'm not sure but it doesn't seem to do with religion either way (I suppose that could be the goal of their claim).

I do not pray. I understand that the function of prayer is mostly to make the person praying feel better. I use a different coping mechanism. I don't feel bad about taking the lord's name in vain because it's just a name. Even when I practiced religion (and yes, I did do that, for years) I wasn't quite sure of the point of not taking the lord's name in vain because after all god or jesus or christ are only things that we use to label him. Human things. How can human things define a being which is supposed to be transcendent? It does not make any sense. So why does it matter if a name that has no real meaning be said in a way that it is not intended to be by humans? I can't see that it does.

I don't believe in organized religions or donating to them because organized religion is inherently corruptible, there are several verses within the bible that suggest that Jesus and/or god are against organized religion, and most of the organized religions I see out there have not only major flaws regarding sticking to their own ideology (either the specific wording there-of or the spirit of the wording) but also have major problems conducting themselves within the acceptable rules of society. Some religions might do some good but as far as your mortal soul is concerned and your standing in society and how good a person you are I don't think that organized religion is the key to any of those things.

As for the bible and other holy books you may say that the things that I think about them are only my interpretation. And I ask you in return: what is your interpretation? Whatever it is it doesn't matter. Why? Because in all likelihood you read the bible in English or your native language and unless your native language is hebrew you are automatically reading someone else's interpretation of the bible. Any conclusion you come to is skewed by them. In fact, I have read multiple versions of the bible and there's a particular verse I would like to use to illustrate this point so if you object please skip to the next paragraph at the end of this sentence. The verse is Matthew 19:5-12. In the Good News version of the bible Matthew 19:5-6 reads: "And God said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one. So they are no longer two, but one. No human being must separate, then, what God has joined together." His disciples then ask about divorce and Jesus explains why they cannot and then goes on to say in Matthew 19:11-12: "This teaching does not apply to everyone, but only to those to whom God has given it. For there are different reasons why men cannot marry: some, because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Let him who can accept this teaching do so." Basically this was explained to me, when I was a child, that all men should love and marry women except for those men who married themselves to the church or those who were made not to love women. Homosexuals, in other words. I grew up thinking that this was the intention of the bible. It wasn't until I was well into high school that I learned that in most bible versions Matthew 19:11-12 reads more like this (taken from the King James version): "But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." And I think that the difference between a man who does not love women because he loves men and a man who was born unable to sexually perform is wide enough to illustrate my point.

As for why I don't believe in atheism.... well. It has to do with what atheism breaks down into as far as it's classical roots go. Theos are things pertaining to God and religion. Isms are belief systems. And here is the part that I really have a problem with. A. A, you see, is a batardized version of ab (to make words nicer things to say, mostly) and ab means "away from". Which is, I guess, a belief system away from thoughts of god. Except, that doesn't actually mean they don't believe in god (as they all claim) it just means they keep their thoughts away from him. And they even fail at that, actually, because every time they say they're an atheist (or god comes up in conversation or everyday life) they are failing to follow their own beliefs. I can only conclude that no one is a successful atheist and if you want to be one perhaps you should find a different name for it.

All that and I still haven't said what I actually believe in. I sometimes like to tell people that I'm either agnostic or pantheistic- depending on how you look at it. I do, in fact, believe in a higher power but you could also argue that because I do not believe in a specific power (e.g. God) I can rightfully claim every religion. I know a bit about many religions. Aside from having read the aforementioned books I also know a great deal about Latin and Greek mythology from taking Latin in highschool. I know about Buddhism and Hinduism. I know about all the old Norse gods and some of the Native American gods as well as Mayan and Aztec beliefs. I know about animism and Wicca and I attended services at every different church (including Catholic, various Protestant churches, Seventh Day Adventist, and Mormon service) in the area where I used to live. I think that pretty much every religion has at least one beautiful aspect to it. The only religions I object to are ones that cause you to hurt yourself or others. I don't believe in the aspects of religions that break the law, as well.

Agnosticism or Pantheism really don't quite describe my beliefs perfectly, though. I like science and math, and I believe in evolution* and rigorous scientific inquiry. There is no way for us to prove at present that a god (any god, or even multiple gods) exist. Unlike other people who say that they don't believe in god because it cannot be proven and they only will if it is I'm actually, arguably, more rational. After all, there would not be a whole lot of scientific progress if they weren't a lot of crazy people in history that believed in things that they could not prove (or at least could not prove yet). And yet you enter a sort of a Schrodinger's** Religion scenario. Say that there can only be one true religion and the answer to what that is is inside a box that cannot be opened. Until you can open the box you have to assume that all possibilities are true.

So what do I believe? What do I really believe? I believe in possibilities. It is possible that the Catholics have it right or that the Romans were correct or that the Mayans were and retribution will come down from Quetzecoatl in 2012. It's possible that any religion or even all of them are right. It's equally possible that Earth is an alien science fair experiment created long ago. I don't know and I can't know so I can believe in everything. I don't practice a religion as such (by praying or attending church) but that doesn't mean I can't believe in them or convert to every single one I can think of in a single day if only in my own heart. So yes, there are a lot of things I don't believe in, but on the other hand there are a whole lot more that I do.


* If you argue that evolution is merely a theory I say to you: so is gravity and the next time you argue against the theory of evolution I hope the gods of irony set you floating into space.

** For those who do not know Schrodinger's Cat is a famous thought experiment. You have to imagine that there is a cat inside a box. The cat has been poisoned. The cat is either alive or dead but neither can be known until you open the box so in the interim you have to think that the cat is both alive and dead at the same time.

Typically Up for Interpretation

      My typical day starts with being woken up by a small child who is angry because the preparation time of breakfast is not instantaneous. I then get up, blindly, and grab my contacts and go into the bathroom. I go and I wash my hands, just like everyone else and then pop in my contacts. I either eat oatmeal or I get fancy and make pancakes or a breakfast sandwich for breakfast, I almost never eat cold cereal- not for breakfast, anyway. I will then often go into our other bathroom for a shower or into our living room to watch an episode of inane television from Netflix or play Wii Sports.
      At some point during my usual morning I log onto my computer and put in time checking my dozen or so e-mail accounts. I also check the social networking sites to which I belong and spend some time composing responses to various things that have occurred or been sent. This happens every day. I usually have about a dozen or more tabs open in my browser while I'm doing this because I can't usually manage to stay on one page for more than a few minutes. I find myself pressing command-t so I can check the definition of a word or to grab a url or just going to another site to briefly put off responding to some other internet situation.
      Eventually (usually later rather than sooner) I will get dressed in "real clothing" and caffeinate my brain. I will pack myself some kind of lunch. The kind of lunch will vary wildly depending on factors such as how recently we have been shopping, whether anyone has felt like cooking lately, whether I feel like cooking before going to work, what I had for breakfast and what I think I might intend to eat for supper. I'll usually fill my bottle with water and mix with a very small amount of Crystal Light just so it doesn't taste like water but isn't obvious enough that my boss will tell me we can't drink anything but water behind the counter at work.
      Just about forty-five minutes before I have to be at work I will leave my house. I'll walk down town to Pickering Square and wait briefly to get on the bus. While I'm walking I will mostly skip through various songs on my iPod and occasionally listen to some of them. I usually use this time to think busily about either writing or reading (every other time I think about these subjects it is lazily and with a lot of interruptions.) I pay eighty cents to ride the bus. The trip usually takes longer to go a shorter distance than if I was in my car but this does not bother me greatly.
      While I am riding the bus I either stow my iPod in my bag or I turn it off but leave the earphones in so that I can listen to the people on the bus who are talking. Listening to the Dull Normal having religious, political, scientific or philosophical conversations for fifteen to twenty minutes is often the best part of my day. At least in the sense that it gives me lots of funny stories to tell even if it tends to be rather painful to listen to.
      Last Thursday my day had been going very much like this. I got onto the bus and sat in my favorite seat at the front of the raised tier in the back. Just before the bus started moving I noticed that the woman sitting right in front of me in the lower section was looking at what I thought was a Biology test. It looked a lot like the standard tests we took when I was in AP Bio in high school. Since I like biology and I felt like being nosy and wondering what a middle-aged woman with gray shot through her hair was doing looking at a biology test I tried to read some of the questions. What I could make out made me very suspicious about this test booklet.
      A few minutes later she re-arranged the pages to put them in the right order and before she replaced them in their manila folder I got a good look at the cover page. It read: "Starfleet Academy Marine Corps Entrance Exam". Yes, I do mean that Starfleet Academy. From Star Trek. That one. My immediate thought upon seeing this was to start Star Trekkin' by Dr. Demento playing on my iPod but I was quickly distracted by a conversation that had just started.
      The conversation was between three people I had seen on the bus on previous occasions. One was a youngish buff african-american man. One a middle-aged scrawny italiano man who I knew from previous encounters had worked at a variety of jobs, mostly business, in a variety of places, and who had also been in the Army once upon a time. The third participant was an older lady who came into the bookstore where I work at least once every week. I usually resist calling this woman the crazy cat lady but if it came down to explaining who I was talking about to one of my co-workers that phrase always gets across who I mean.
      The conversation started when the two men were talking about the weather. There were some severe storm warnings evidently (two days later there were tornado warnings in northern Maine) and they mentioned that they both liked Maine because of how safe and normal it is up here. And then, what seemed randomly to me but probably made sense to someone who watches the news, one of the men brought up the Bishop who recently married another man in New Hampshire (please take note that I make no effort to know anything about this story other than what the men on the bus mentioned because I am of the belief that news rots your brain).
      They both seemed to think that this was an awful, terrible thing while I was affirming in my brain that this was a step in the right direction. I don't necessarily think they had anything against people who are gay but it seemed terribly wrong to them that a member of the clergy could be gay. One of them brought up the fact that according to the bible men can't be gay. The crazy cat lady said that some religions didn't think so and that they thought it was okay. He responded by saying that that was just their interpretation and that the interpretation of god, the bible, didn't say anything like that.
      It was at this point that I had to get off the bus. If I thought my face would be more attractive with the crooked bump from having had my nose broken I might have wished the lady good luck getting into Starfleet and reminded the man that god did not write the bible. People wrote the bible. And not only did people write the bible but it wasn't even written in English. So by the time most catholic or protestant practitioners got around to interpreting the bible it had already been filtered and colored by other people's perceptions. Unfortunately for the edification of the world I generally like my face the way it is.
      Thusly I said nothing and walked into work five minutes after I was supposed to be there. The bus is habitually late. It's supposed to get to the mall I work in at five minutes before the hour but this almost never happens. I clocked in. I shuffled books. I smiled at people. I read from the same script over and over. And then my boss left and I ate the lunch that I had packed after I went and got some more caffeination from one of the other stores in the mall. While I was hanging out at the desk to allow my coworker to roam the rest of the store doing her share of the book section someone asked if we carried The Cannabis Grow Bible. My first thought was that I was sure that the Cannabis Grow Bible had nothing to say about gay men. I shook my head because knowing my boss it was fairly easy to know that we didn't.
      A minute later I checked on the computer to see if we could order this book. I did this for two reasons. One, I knew my boss would be disapproving that a customer wanted one, and two, you have to have a lot of some kind of interesting quality to walk into a bookstore, totally stoned, reeking of pot, and ask if they carry the Cannabis Grow Bible. It turned out that we could order it. I looked and saw that he and his friends were looking at Adult Magazines so I told him what I had learned. He seemed excited and explained that actually he already had that book and he was looking for one by the same author on Hydroponic growing (of Marijuana).
      I did some checking on this and determined that as far as I could tell no such book existed and suggested that either it was no longer in print (which seemed strangely unlikely) or that it was by a different author and if he wanted to find out who from his friend (who apparently owned this book) I could probably find it to order for him. He seemed terribly sad and dejected that I couldn't find his book for him but thanked me anyway, bought a copy of High Times and left.
      After closing I either get home in one of two ways. I go there directly in a car with either my brother whom I share an apartment with or one of my coworkers or I go to the grocery store, walk around and buy a couple of things, call a cab to pick me up out front and then take the cab home.
I usually cook myself dinner. I then usually entertain myself on the computer for at least a few minutes. Friends of ours usually show up unannounced after the baby is asleep and then it is time for the temporary chemical alteration of our collective brains and either playing a board game (of which we have many), some Wii Golf, or watching bad Netflix television. I usually take out my contacts, brush my teeth excessively and go to sleep somewhere between sixteen and twenty hours after waking up.
      And then we start it all over again.