Bad Punchline: Christmas Funnies

Kids Say

My nephew Metaeo is three and between his parents, myself, my parents, my grandmother and others he had a enormous pile of brightly-wrapped parcels stacked under the tree and waiting for him that we had put out while he was napping (due to the timing of our celebration). Most kids would have been excited to see all those gifts. My mother reminded me that when I was a child I would have been excited by all of them even if they'd been nothing more than wrapped boxes because tearing off the paper was my favorite part. But after coaxing him to unwrap his first gift we asked him if he'd like to unwrap another one (as he had far more gifts than any of the adults of course) and he said: "No. I don't want to open any more presents!"


The Thought

I had been intending to give my brother and nephew's mother a gift I couldn't really wrap so I had the foresight to get them something I thought they'd enjoy and would allow me to give them a wrapped gift without spending a lot. I gave them their presents at the same time and my nephew's mother laughed when she opened hers and laughed harder when she saw what I'd given my brother. I was a little confused because I know that fantasy-themed coloring books are not typical gifts for adults in their twenties but they both like to color as much or more so than my nephew so I thought they'd enjoy them rather than thinking they were gag gifts. Rather than explain my nephew's mother handed me two presents addressed to me (the smaller of which said from Metaeo on the tag and the larger from herself and my brother). I opened the smaller present and discovered a set of markers. I opened the larger one and found... a coloring book. But not just any coloring book. I found a coloring book that was an identical twin of the one I'd picked out for my brother and what my nephew's mother thought was even funnier was the fact that they'd been debating between that one and the one that I had picked out for her.


Wrappings

My nephew's mother commented on my wrapping job at one point and asked if I couldn't find Christmas paper or if I had chosen to wrap them that way because it was inexpensive. I had to tell her that I actually had a whole roll of snowman paper at home that I'd bought but not bothered to use because I think that Christmas presents should be shiny (to better reflect the colored lights on the tree) and I had found thirty-seven and a half inch tinfoil rolls with which I was able to wrap every present I gave easily.


Special Delivery

When my brother saw one of the gifts I had wrapped but was sending back to my home town with my parents to be given to my soon-to-be-fourteen-year-old cousin he jokingly wondered why I was giving her a pizza box. I was guilty as charged. It was a pizza box. I told him: "So she'll wonder why I gave her a pizza box, of course. And it doesn't look like a pile of books this way." This will be the third year in a row I have given her a pile of books. And it's not because I work in a book store. Not really. It's because... let's put it this way: You shouldn't tell people who love to read that you hate it.


Estimated Time

Estimated time for Golfer's broken-down car to get looked at: Two weeks. Time until Christmas: Two days. Estimated time for Sean's car to break down after Golfer's did: Two days. Estimated delivery time for Chinese food on Christmas: One and a half hours. (Plus the hour it took me to locate a restaurant that was not only open but also willing to deliver on Christmas. In the snow. After six.)

Bad Punchline: Three Vegetarians Cook a Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in the United States and anyone else who follows crazy American traditions and happy twenty-fourth of November to everyone else. Between the fact that today is a national holiday where I live (my job is closed and everything) and that I am still banging my head against the fifty thousand word total needed to successfully complete NaNoWriMo and the exceedingly early hour at which this was posted you might be able to tell I wrote this post up in advance. (Over a month in advance, actually.) But also six weeks ahead of schedule I came up with a (hopefully) funny joke for you to enjoy.

Today, for the third year running, my parents are coming up for Thanksgiving. Despite the fact that my brother, sister-in-law, and myself are vegetarians we believe that family traditions are important. Thanksgiving just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a giant meal cooking in the kitchen. Not only that but all three of us feel the need to include the standard dishes our families had when we were kids. Even though both our families are from the same state we have very different idea of what Thanksgiving dinners ought to consist of. The first year we not only poisoned my nephew (we hadn't yet learned he was allergic to peanutbutter) but also ended up with enough pie to eat for a month. Last year we had our friend Sean over and I remember very doggedly telling him a story I can't now recall as I tried to ignore my mother throwing up in the living room. This year for non-family members I had a special invitation message: "Bringing food or alcohol is mandatory because we're poor. You may also need to bring a chair. We ask that you kindly leave your age at the door but entertainment should be well-covered because what could be funnier than three vegetarians trying to cook a turkey?"

Bad Punchline: Psychic Vampires

This is a special post for someone who has their birthday today.

I recently read about a experiment where they sent some of the muon flavor of neutrinos from one location to another and they traveled faster than the speed of light. And you know what moving faster than the speed of light means? Time travel! So my first thought was that I'd make some kind of construction out of them in order to delay time for one day for you. But the thing is neutrinos are sub-atomic particles of matter and though they have mass you can't even look at the things without changing them so that kind of made me throw that idea out. I had another science-related idea though that I'd actually thought of earlier. On the basic premise of a Faraday cage (a mesh or cage made out of a conducting material that keeps out electromagnetic radiation and interference) I would make you a Faraday Amulet. The amulet would be for keeping out the malicious electromagnetic impulses (otherwise known as brainwaves) from the evil psychic Vampires that want to prey on your mind while you're at work and drain your energy and psychic lifeforce. Additionally it makes a rather attractive piece of ugly jewelry which I know you like. Unfortunately you can't have it until the next time I see you but I thought you might like this in the meantime.

Bad Punchline: Harvest Moon

I was on Skype the other day and someone started describing something they were trying to do and though I knew immediately what they were talking about without their having said specifically the wildly confused reaction of the other person in the group prompted me to say:

"Yeah, describing Harvest Moon in detail does make it sound like some kind of absurdest play about a guy with OCD. 'Every morning he gets up and throws his sleeping cat across the room and then after laboriously watering all his flowers one-by-one he saddles up his ostrich and goes gallivanting about the town throwing things at the townspeople he's trying to befriend.'"