If you are serious about keeping your personal information private and want to prevent corporations from using your personal data or taking advantage of anything you post on the internet all you have to do is post a note that states that you're not going to put up with this shit anymore. After posting the note you will receive all the peace and privacy you could ever want when you go and live in the woods without internet or human contact as this is the only way to achieve true privacy. You may be laughing but I am being completely serious (hence the title of this post) about the very important matter of privacy on the internet. Lately there has been a social virus infecting Facebook status updates across the globe. Those afflicted have been mindlessly posting copy and pasted 'legal' statements declaring sole rights to the things they blab on the internet or upload in the form of visual media and so on and so forth. These poor afflicted souls, whose symptoms present with apparent cerebral damage, ironically were most likely infected due to a lack of activity in the left cerebral hemisphere and frontal lobes. To guard against infection by this social virus you only need to spend a few minutes exercising your left cerebral cortex and frontal lobes. I recommend learning about privacy on Facebook as a means of not only exercising those portions of your brain but also immunizing yourself against viral panic that so often spreads through status updates.
You may have heard the anecdote about the picture-perfect family that discovered that their gorgeous family portrait had been taken from Facebook and used on a European billboard. These people did not have any sort of privacy notice up to protect their stuff- but they didn't have to. The company that made the decision to use that image made the conscious decision to steal from that family. The company was not in the right and is legally liable for theft. The family that was stolen from has every right to file a personal lawsuit against the company. No, short of not posting pictures at all, you can't prevent everyone from potentially stealing photographs or other media from your social networking page but you can easily limit the number of people who have access to that data by changing the privacy settings on your account or even on each individual post. If you want to make sure pictures of your toddler taking a bath are viewed by no one but family members you can easily adjust the settings to let you do that. I recommend you try messing with the settings for a few minutes of both permanent and per-post privacy selections.
But it's not just your pictures you want to protect. You want to protect your personal information as well. You don't want any random person armed with nothing more than Google to be able to dig up that you are a forty year old male living in the Denver area who checks into the local park via Foursquare every day when you walk your dog and that you're into both the Twilight Saga and competitive eating competitions and oh- this ten-digit number looks like a phone number. Change your general privacy settings so that only friends are privy to such information. You also don't want the company you work for to know that you weren't really sick on friday? Well, the easiest way to do that is to not post anything incriminating. But that can be difficult to sort out so the next best thing would be to not be 'friends' with or make links to the company you work for or be friends with other people that work there. You could try to exclude them through privacy settings but I wouldn't recommend it.
You may have also heard that Facebook steals data such as your likes and dislikes and sells it to advertisers. Or that Facebook uses your information to customize things for you so they must just have a big database full of information that they can look at all they want and do whatever they want with. That's not true. Facebook does collect data- but only in the ways explicitly stated in their Privacy Statement. I recommend reading through it. If you find something that you are not okay with them doing then the only way to prevent that is to delete your account. If you want to be informed if they change the privacy statement simply 'like' the Facebook Site Governance page. But despite what the fear-mongering stories you have heard would want you to believe people at the Facebook HQ are not looking at a list of stats next to your name telling them everything about you. The guys at the Facebook HQ are looking at aggregate data encompassing millions of users of which you are only one small plot point. Because the truth is that you're not special enough for anyone to want to spy on you specifically.
You may also have heard that Facebook is now a publicly traded corporation. You likely heard this in the context of: "Oh my god! Facebook is publicly traded that means they're going to be even more evil now!" In fact, the opposite is true. Facebook is now a publicly traded company and that means they now have shareholders that they must answer to whenever they do anything that might cause public backlash.
What you probably haven't heard is that it's not Facebook itself that you should be afraid of. It's the games you should be afraid of. You know how every time you decide to check out a new game you get a prompt asking you if they can use data from your page and your friends page and maybe even store cookies and other data on your computer? Have you ever read that particularly closely or even thought anything much about it other than that it was an annoying page between you and playing a new game that only required a simple click to get on with the game and not any actual comprehension of what they were asking? Unfortunately without clicking 'okay' you're not going to be able to play that game. Why? Because the makers of the games don't want to make free games and hope that you deign to give them some money in exchange for 'premium' pixelated items. They want to make money- period. And it's not just the games that want to steal your information. It's those cute little inspirational e-card applications, too. Any application or game that asks for some of your information doesn't just want to take your profile picture and put it on your little virtual farm. They want to know everything you're willing to let them have.
I encourage you to do everything you can to help protect your information and privacy but you have to remember that these are the two most important things: Firstly, if you are worried about other people finding out a particular fact about you- don't post it. Second, if you want true privacy all you have to do is click delete otherwise you have to make due. (But if you're really worried about your privacy you shouldn't just click delete to get rid of your Facebook you should also avoid MSN and Live, Google and all Google products and services, and try especially hard to avoid the worst culprit that is Yahoo and all it's products and services.)
Congratulations! You've now exercised your entire cerebral cortex and frontal lobes and prevented a viral infection that could have caused brain damage. Next time you see some fear-mongering 'pass it on' warning take a minute and use your brain and maybe a little fine motor control to click over to Google and look up whether people are spreading lies and misconceptions again.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Thou Shalt Not Partake of Other People's Cookies
Thou shalt not partake of other people's cookies. Unless you are offered a cookie, purchased a cookie, or baked your own cookies you should not be eating any cookies. Your mother probably didn't tolerate your taking cookies from the cookie jar or the box of cookies or whatever kind of cookie receptacle she had without permission. So when you discover cookies in your cupboard that you did not purchase you do not take them out of the cupboard, eat half of one cookie and leave the other half sitting on top of the box to leave a greasy stain and force someone else to clean the remaining cookie up. Because you know what happens when you do that? The owner of the cookie finds out what you've done, saves the cookie as evidence to show you when they confront you and then throws the cookie out the window because you do not deserve to eat the rest of it.
Thou shalt not taste the sweet nectar of other people's juice. Unless those other people have offered you their juice you should not be drinking it. Considering the fact that you never purchase juice for yourself one would figure that you do not drink juice. Other people should therefore rightly not have to be concerned that you will drink their juice. It will upset them if you do drink it. Especially when other people do not have a car and have in fact carried that juice home from the grocery store using their own two arms and legs while you yourself have a car and can transport as much delicious juice, soda, milk, alcohol, watermellons and large bags of flour as will fit in your vehicle.
Thou shalt not eat of the fruits of other people's labor. If you desire to eat home-cooked food then you must cook it yourself or trade for it in some manner. I do not care if the trade-off is visiting relatives, acquiring a spouse or significant other, or out-right payment in some manner. But one does not simply take the home-cooking of some other person when it has not been offered to them. One does not eat three quarts of a particularly expensive soup which took hours to prepare without giving something to the preparer who also procured all of the ingredients and brought them back to their kitchen by means of their own feet and arms. One does not make a sandwich using bread that someone else bought the ingredients for and baked themselves- particularly not when one already has their own store-bought bread in the cupboard.
Thou shalt not taste the sweet nectar of other people's juice. Unless those other people have offered you their juice you should not be drinking it. Considering the fact that you never purchase juice for yourself one would figure that you do not drink juice. Other people should therefore rightly not have to be concerned that you will drink their juice. It will upset them if you do drink it. Especially when other people do not have a car and have in fact carried that juice home from the grocery store using their own two arms and legs while you yourself have a car and can transport as much delicious juice, soda, milk, alcohol, watermellons and large bags of flour as will fit in your vehicle.
Thou shalt not eat of the fruits of other people's labor. If you desire to eat home-cooked food then you must cook it yourself or trade for it in some manner. I do not care if the trade-off is visiting relatives, acquiring a spouse or significant other, or out-right payment in some manner. But one does not simply take the home-cooking of some other person when it has not been offered to them. One does not eat three quarts of a particularly expensive soup which took hours to prepare without giving something to the preparer who also procured all of the ingredients and brought them back to their kitchen by means of their own feet and arms. One does not make a sandwich using bread that someone else bought the ingredients for and baked themselves- particularly not when one already has their own store-bought bread in the cupboard.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Eulogy to Mr. Paperback
A Psalm to Reading
I don't want to hear the empty numbers,
To tell me literacy is in decline.
For the mind is dead that slumbers,
And to that death I would not resign.
Here is the decree: Information is free!
Though genocide is not the mission;
Casualties seem to come inevitably-
One cannot unmake that decision.
Not moving pictures, and not the glowing page
Is the book's predestined end.
But to be read through another age
So that each new generation can comprehend.
Creations live beyond those who created,
And our wits though quick and clever
Without exercizing become outdated,
As they cannot be sharpened with the pull of a lever.
In eddification's field of war,
I fear we've lost another battle,
But today's is not the final score-
And the end is not coming with a silent death rattle.
By rushing blindly to the aid of the meme
They failed to predict the obvious consequence.
They must now mourn the passing of a dream-
And observe the result of action with proper cognizance.
Memories of places now gone remind us,
We cannot turn back an unleashed tide.
But we can hold their nostaliga thus,
And going forth take their glory's side-
So that with them their dream fails to end.
Those to come will know reading's pleasure
And though this all ills does not mend;
It's better than such leisure disappearing forever.
Let us then go forth and read.
And though the bookstore now is dead
Let us in our children plant literacy's seed
So they have the wit to forge the road ahead.
Eulogy is in the style of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's 'Psalm of Life'.
Mr. Paperback, a bookstore chain that was in operation for over fifty years is closing it's doors for good in the coming months. Unlike Borders Mr. Paperback wasn't driven out of business by poor business practices or bankruptcy but rather the decision to get out of what is turning into a failing business. It's become clear that the bookstore may be a obsolete model but the book itself it still alive and well.
I don't want to hear the empty numbers,
To tell me literacy is in decline.
For the mind is dead that slumbers,
And to that death I would not resign.
Here is the decree: Information is free!
Though genocide is not the mission;
Casualties seem to come inevitably-
One cannot unmake that decision.
Not moving pictures, and not the glowing page
Is the book's predestined end.
But to be read through another age
So that each new generation can comprehend.
Creations live beyond those who created,
And our wits though quick and clever
Without exercizing become outdated,
As they cannot be sharpened with the pull of a lever.
In eddification's field of war,
I fear we've lost another battle,
But today's is not the final score-
And the end is not coming with a silent death rattle.
By rushing blindly to the aid of the meme
They failed to predict the obvious consequence.
They must now mourn the passing of a dream-
And observe the result of action with proper cognizance.
Memories of places now gone remind us,
We cannot turn back an unleashed tide.
But we can hold their nostaliga thus,
And going forth take their glory's side-
So that with them their dream fails to end.
Those to come will know reading's pleasure
And though this all ills does not mend;
It's better than such leisure disappearing forever.
Let us then go forth and read.
And though the bookstore now is dead
Let us in our children plant literacy's seed
So they have the wit to forge the road ahead.
Eulogy is in the style of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's 'Psalm of Life'.
Mr. Paperback, a bookstore chain that was in operation for over fifty years is closing it's doors for good in the coming months. Unlike Borders Mr. Paperback wasn't driven out of business by poor business practices or bankruptcy but rather the decision to get out of what is turning into a failing business. It's become clear that the bookstore may be a obsolete model but the book itself it still alive and well.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Bad Punchline: iDear
If you aren't aware of the stereotypical 'Mainah' accent you have obviously never heard Tim Sample
speak. But I forgive you because not only do Mainers not really sound like Timmy Sample but actors in movies always make us sound like we're from 'Bawston' anyway. Despite the fact that Tim Sample grew up in my home town and was actually in the same class as my mother I sound absolutely nothing like he does in his skits. Timmy doesn't either, actually. He does it on purpose for the sake of humor. He is a comedian after all. But because of Timmy Sample there are many 'People From Away' (as we like to call non-Mainers) who believe that all Mainers drop their 'r's mostly at the end of common words so that car would sound like cah and lobster would be lobstah. There are other Mainah accent traits such as saying 'ayuh' (something which I admit I am guilty of) rather than yeah or yes as well as, ironically, adding 'r's in words where they do not belong. I generally try to speak like I understand the English language (or at least the bastardization of it we speak here in America) so the Mainah accent frequently makes me cringe. The part that bothers me the most is when 'r's are added to words where they don't belong. The worst and most common r-adding offense is saying you have an 'idear' rather than an 'idea'. The next time I hear someone say 'idear' I intend to say this: "Oh, I think I've heard of the iDear. It's some kind of new Apple product, right? Like a robotic spouse?"
speak. But I forgive you because not only do Mainers not really sound like Timmy Sample but actors in movies always make us sound like we're from 'Bawston' anyway. Despite the fact that Tim Sample grew up in my home town and was actually in the same class as my mother I sound absolutely nothing like he does in his skits. Timmy doesn't either, actually. He does it on purpose for the sake of humor. He is a comedian after all. But because of Timmy Sample there are many 'People From Away' (as we like to call non-Mainers) who believe that all Mainers drop their 'r's mostly at the end of common words so that car would sound like cah and lobster would be lobstah. There are other Mainah accent traits such as saying 'ayuh' (something which I admit I am guilty of) rather than yeah or yes as well as, ironically, adding 'r's in words where they do not belong. I generally try to speak like I understand the English language (or at least the bastardization of it we speak here in America) so the Mainah accent frequently makes me cringe. The part that bothers me the most is when 'r's are added to words where they don't belong. The worst and most common r-adding offense is saying you have an 'idear' rather than an 'idea'. The next time I hear someone say 'idear' I intend to say this: "Oh, I think I've heard of the iDear. It's some kind of new Apple product, right? Like a robotic spouse?"
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Battery of Humor
I recently rebooted my laptop after it demanded I install software updates and discovered that there was a funny icon partially covering the battery charge indicator. When I hovered over it there was a message reading: "Consider replacing your battery." When I opened the battery management there was a statement: "There is a problem with your battery, so your computer might shut down suddenly." I felt a bit of chagrin at the fact that I've only had the laptop for about a year and a half now and the battery is already crapping out. So I decided to see how absurdly-priced a replacement would be. If I purchased a replacement battery from Toshiba they would charge me $129.99 plus shipping. Considering that when I purchased my laptop
I paid $500.00 including shipping at my friend's wholesaler price (on a laptop you'd find in a retail store for probably $800.00 or more and on the Toshiba website for $569.99 plus shipping) I can't say as I'm particularly inclined to buy a new battery for 26% of what I paid for the whole computer. So I punched the model number of the battery into Google and lo and behold it turns out there are many compatible batteries available for significantly less than $129.99. After considering the price and ratings of a few batteries I chose one
that would cost me $38.86 including shipping had excellent reviews from all the buyers.
None of that was the humorous part, though. The humorous part was what else the battery had printed on the side that's hidden against the computer along with the battery code. "Do not disassemble nor alter Battery Pack. Do not put into fire nor make it shorted. Do not charge with the method other than that specified. It will cause fire, explosion or overheat if not conformed." I'm not actually completely sure what they are warning me not to do or why they would think that printing it in a place where I would not normally ever see it is going to be helpful in any way. I just better hope and pray that I'm 'conformed', I guess.
I paid $500.00 including shipping at my friend's wholesaler price (on a laptop you'd find in a retail store for probably $800.00 or more and on the Toshiba website for $569.99 plus shipping) I can't say as I'm particularly inclined to buy a new battery for 26% of what I paid for the whole computer. So I punched the model number of the battery into Google and lo and behold it turns out there are many compatible batteries available for significantly less than $129.99. After considering the price and ratings of a few batteries I chose one that would cost me $38.86 including shipping had excellent reviews from all the buyers.None of that was the humorous part, though. The humorous part was what else the battery had printed on the side that's hidden against the computer along with the battery code. "Do not disassemble nor alter Battery Pack. Do not put into fire nor make it shorted. Do not charge with the method other than that specified. It will cause fire, explosion or overheat if not conformed." I'm not actually completely sure what they are warning me not to do or why they would think that printing it in a place where I would not normally ever see it is going to be helpful in any way. I just better hope and pray that I'm 'conformed', I guess.
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