The Vegetarian Religion

I've said before that I don't want to be called a vegetarian for the same reason that I dislike being referred to as white. Both things are, ostensibly, true. I do not eat meat and I am pale enough that I practically glow in the dark. I do not like to be called white because that word is never attached to the good things that Caucasians have done. You hear white power and white supremacy and you hear that white people came and conquered and that white people subjugated others. If I could avoid that stigma entirely then I would. I'm not saying that all white people are bad- that's obviously not true and I'm not saying that all or even any vegetarians are bad. When I make that comparison I draw it because people have a very solid perception of what they think a vegetarian is and what they think a white person is. Understandably, perception is not going to be the same as reality.

The reason I don't want to be called a vegetarian is because there are a number of the tenets of the Vegetarian religion that I disagree with entirely. Some of them I can agree with and have no problem agreeing with. I can agree that people in modern times eat more meat than they really need and that it would be better for them to eat less. I can agree that CAFOs (that is, Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations) are bad for the environment and bad for animals and almost certainly bad for the consumers of the meat as well. I can agree that humans can live without eating meat. I can agree that raising animals requires more arable land for the same number of calories and proteins and important things like that than if we used plants for those same calories and proteins. I can agree that I am healthier as a person because I do not eat meat. I can agree that there are many people with health conditions that could be managed through a meatless diet instead of with pharmaceuticals.

But one of the tenets of the vegetarian religion is that organic is better. One of the tenets is that all GMOs (Genetically Modified Organisms) are bad. These are things that I do not believe and cannot agree with. Organic produce is better in the sense that since pesticides and fertilizers are not used there will be no pesticides and fertilizers that run off from that land to contribute to the giant algae blooms in the Gulf of Mexico. Better because it means that food will not contain traces of chemicals that will build up in our bodies and poison us slowly or mess up our hormones. But the "organic" label on the food in the supermarket doesn't mean what you might expect it to mean. In essence it does not mean organic. Organic in America at least is a niche market that big corporations know they can charge more for and then spend that money on lobbying efforts to create bills that undermine the values of organic. Organic in the United States is a set of rules set in place and enforced by the government but, like anything else in America, is defined by Capitalism. The way things are presently creates a situation where meaning to do well by buying organic probably isn't helping to do anything but make your wallet lighter. Another thing about organic is that it's still shipped thousands and thousands of miles before it gets to you. If you really wanted to reduce your carbon footprint you'd buy local produce regardless of whether it is organic or not rather than buying "organic" from the supermarket.

The other major tenet I disagree with is about GMOs and that all GMOs are bad. I will say that there are some things that Monsanto has done with genetically-engineered crops that are not particularly wise or good but drawing the conclusion that all GMOs are bad is irrational and irresponsible. For thousands of years humans have been modifying our food. If it were not for people tending it corn, for example, would not exist. Corn comes from a grass. Grass, you know, like the kind you grow on your lawn. It was a very fortuitous moment for one mutant maize stalk that somebody thought to cultivate it. Over the years that one mutant stalk of maize has become all the corn we eat today. Every food that we cultivate has been changed by human hands to be larger, tastier, to grow faster and in worse climates and weather. Growing the part that we happen to eat larger and better-tasting is not something that most plants do naturally unless they rely on having their seeds eaten in order to spread them. Every living thing on earth, at it's base, is comprised of the same thing. We're all written in the same language. So if there is a word that was created by one species and is used to that species' advantage why is it wrong for people to take that word, that gene, and add it to the vocabulary of genes that makes up another species? Why is it okay for us to breed natural genetic mutants to create more mutants but it's not okay for us for us to do it in a laboratory? That is an irrational conclusion to make.

The other thing about finding GMOs unacceptable, putting aside the fact that every food we eat is genetically modified and that finding it not okay to do in a lab is irrational, is that we cannot hope to live in the world we've created and feed the people that live here with us if we try to farm organically and without using GMOs. When you say that GMOs are not okay because they increase crop yield without using fertilizers and allow plants to grow in places that are normally inhospitable you are taking a stand that says that you don't care about humanity as a whole, just about the privileged few that can afford to do things and grow things in a way that, to you, is moral. If you say that you think that it might be better if we all spontaneously decided to cast aside technology and go back to living the way things were hundreds of years ago you, by thinking that, are also giving your blessing to the idea that it's okay that millions of people will die because of this. You are saying "fuck you" to anyone unlucky enough to be born in an inhospitable region of the world. I, myself, don't find that to be acceptable. I do believe that overpopulation is a problem we should be far more concerned with than we are but if we hope to continue living on this planet barring some kind of catastrophic event occurring we are going to need to utilize technology, including the genetic modification of foodstuffs, in order to produce enough food for people to live.

So no, I am not a vegetarian. I am not a vegetarian not because I eat fish or because I do it for health reasons. I don't eat meat because I lack a gallbladder and that lack causes me to have serious acid reflux and indigestion that could lead to other problems if left untreated. I don't eat meat because I am one of the millions of uninsured Americans. I have neither the luxury nor the money to turn off acid pumps in my stomach with Nexium or Prevacid or some other pill. I don't eat meat because if I don't eat meat I don't have heartburn and if I don't have heartburn I wont develop other preventable health complications that can arise because of acid reflux. I am not a vegetarian not because I don't think it's healthier or because I think CAFOs are okay. I am not a vegetarian because vegetarianism is not a diet. Vegetarianism to most people is an ideal, a belief and ongoing practice a person engages in to shape their character or improve traits of their personality. In other words to most people there is no difference between vegetarianism and the Vegetarian Religion. So my problem with being called a vegetarian has little to do with vegetarians themselves or the fact that I technically fit the definition- it has to do with ideological differences.

This Comes To You One-Handed

It occurs to me that I haven't made fun of myself much even though I sort of feel obligated to do so. I make fun of everyone else so it only seems fair that I make fun of myself, right? Or at least that seems like the kind of argument that I would want to make if someone were to say... sue me. I could claim that I really meant no offense at all and that it was meant all in good fun because after all I make fun of myself specifically along with everyone else. How could I possibly be trying to offend people or be prejudice against a specific group if I make fun of myself, right? Well, that's my theory anyway. I still wouldn't look forward to getting sued. It sounds less than fun even though I don't actually have any money for anyone to get out of me anyway.

I had to think about what to make fun of. I wouldn't make fun of my hair color even though it's unusual. And I wouldn't make fun of my pasty whiteness. I could make fun of my weight because I am a bit overweight but I know a lot of people are sensitive about their weight and it would feel cruel to make fun of it. I thought about making fun of the fact that I'm right-handed but I felt I'd save that one for righties in general. Then I thought about a thing which is actually sort of unique to me that I make fun of. I type with just one hand.

Yeah, I type one-handed. So every single thing I ever post comes to you one-handed. Or with one hand behind my back even if you prefer. But I don't hunt-and-peck. It doesn't take me a long time to type. I type fifty-five words per minute which actually puts me at the low range for a professional typist. My typing speed is only really hindered by the fact that it takes my hand a little while to travel from one side of the keyboard to another if I have to type say 'q' and then 'u' right after. I think if I had a keyboard arranged in an arc with two large buttons at different levels in the center (the two buttons in the center being shift and space respectively) I could type much faster because there would be a lot less "travel time".

And why is it that I type in this strange manner? Do I not have a left hand? Is my left hand injured in some way? Did I really hate typing class that much when I was a kid? Well... I do have a left hand and I've used my left hand for many useful things but because of the number of doors I've had my left hand slammed in as a child (three and one of them was a sliding car door) I can't actually move the digits on that hand in a useful way without staring at them and even then they don't necessarily always move the way I'm telling them to. The joints in the fingers of my left hand also feel very stiff and moving my finger carefully from say the 'd' key to the 'e' key is especially difficult. I can do it, it's just very hard. It's entirely possible that with enough practice I could actually type like a normal person but why would I want to do that?

There are a number of useful things I can do with my left hand while my right hand is typing. For example, if such a thing as a left-handed thumb-ball mouse actually existed (it didn't last I checked but if you know of a company selling one please tell me) I could use my left hand on the mouse and my right hand on the keyboard and never have to bother with any of that messy mouse-to-keyboard or keyboard-to-mouse switching. Or if I want to quote a passage out of a book I can simply hold the book open with my left hand and use my right to type. I can easily eat/drink and type at the same time. If I were the kind of person who "cybered" I could type and... well, at the same time. Or I could fence and type at the same time like I was in a xkcd comic! It would be great.

Have I ever run into any real problems using this method of typing? Yes. Severely. I once injured my right hand and had to type exclusively with my left hand. I think I typed about twelve words a minute. It was depressingly slow and mostly involved stabbing at the keys with the pointer finger of my left hand and hitting capslock to make capital letters because I couldn't shift and hit a letter at the same time for most of the keys. And whenever I go out to a public place like the library and type I frequently have to fend off curious onlookers who are astounded at how quickly my one little hand is going across the keyboard. Fortunately when that happens I can use my left hand to wield a sword to encourage them to go away.

So even though I look ridiculous and I have to explain the problem to every single person who ever sees me type this post (and all the others) is coming to you one-handed. Enjoy.

Thing I Would Like To Say (To People Who Buy Porn)

There are many things I would like to say to the people who buy porn or other adult material at my place of employment.


To that one guy who bought both Transitions (men dressed as women) and 60+ (women over sixty naked): "Really dude? You're not even going to try to tell me that you're buying them for a gag gift?"

To the 95% of women who, when they buy porn, claim that they are getting it for a bachelorette party: "You know, from what I can tell there must be an awful lot of people getting married."

To the guy who works down at Marshall's and has a foot fetish magazine reserved for him every month: "You wouldn't happen to work in the shoe department at Marshall's would you?"

To the older men who suddenly start asking if we carry High Times Magazine after a certain law passes in our state: "You know that new law in our state about marijuana dispensaries does not mean you can start growing and get rich, right?"

To the people who obliviously buy things like XXX Men or Hung as gifts for women: "I'm fairly sure I know what you think is in the magazine but what you actually have there is gay porn and that's just as explicit as regular porn."

To the men who buy Taboo Illustrated (sex acts so violent and awful that they can't act them out with real women without breaking several laws) and then try to make small talk with me or my female coworkers while we ring them up: "No. Really. No amount of nonchalance is going to erase the fact that you and I both know what kind of depraved things are in that magazine."

To the red-headed guy from Rent-a-Center who used to come in and buy Weed World and High Times as 'horticulture magazines': "That's a very creative usage of the word 'horticulture' to describe... you know, marijuana magazines."

To that one guy who was very angry that we didn't carry a magazine called Family Affairs (which is about uhm... families having... affairs): "Actually, to be honest they do ship us that magazine every month but my boss instructs me to put all the copies of incest magazines in backstock for two weeks and then return them all."

To the drunk guy who comes in and buys over a hundred dollars worth of other magazines in order to help 'disguise' the fact that he's buying half a dozen porn magazines and then proceeds to regale us with the long saga of why he needs to buy so many magazines: "No really. Please, save me the story. I know why you're buying the magazines. Really, I do."

To the guys who come up to the counter with porn magazines sandwiched between two magazines about cars: "You know it's really obvious what you have between those car magazines, right? There aren't a lot of magazines wrapped in black plastic."

To the men who mysteriously use company credit cards to buy pornography: "You know, you don't have to risk your job to keep your wife from finding out about this. It's not like you're going to get an itemized receipt."

To the men who buy things with their credit card and then pay for porn separately in cash and don't want their receipt: "I really don't know how that's going to keep your wife from finding out about you buying porn if they find the porn itself."

To the men who buy strange combinations of magazines and claim they're gag gifts: "Do you know how many times I have heard that excuse?"

To the people who want to know why we keep the marijuana magazines with the porn when marijuana is illegal at any age: "Because, in fact, the magazines themselves say 18+ or adult material on them."

Soap Operas

If the author of my life were going to choose to change the script and write my life into a soap opera a lot of exciting events would need to be constantly happening. Not necessarily good things or sane things but... interesting things. Because that is what a soap opera is, right? A woman is infertile and adopts a child with her husband only to become mysteriously pregnant and the husband is ecstatic but it's not his child and as it turns out it's not hers either. The child belongs, in fact, to the evil step-mother and some character that has never been introduced before and may never be depending on how long the writers feel like going off on this course. Except then you find out that the child is actually an alien except they squabble too much over how the alien baby should look and end up just having the woman miscarriage anyway. And then the adopted baby (in case you forgot about him) gets kidnapped and they have to find him- until some day, years from now and millions of plot-twists hence, the show is canceled and nothing is resolved but everything is, at least, laid to rest.

The script of my life wasn't a lot like a soap opera before, though so the author might decide to ease into it. They'd go for- oh, I dunno- maybe my roommate goes crazy and kicks me out of my house. The author then plans to uproot me to a totally different place but gets cold feet and decides that one major event is enough for right now and decides I can stay where I am while they see how the reverberations and consequences rattle through my life, ricocheting off this and that. They had to see how things would settle and work out before they decided on continuing in that genre.

Then say things turn out satisfactorily to whatever plan the author has and they decide to proceed with their plan to turn the script into a soap opera. Then things really start to happen. My roommate calls me when I'm over at my brother's apartment and his voice sounds all funny and he says that his brother broke up with his girlfriend and even though they were living hippie-style in a big house with a bunch of other people he doesn't want to stay there. And so would it be all right for him to crash on our couch for a while? I said yes. My roommate's brother is pretty okay and not only did he offer to pay but he has a job where he goes and works seventy-two hours straight so some nights he will not even be at our apartment. So the next day my roommate's brother moves into our apartment, something which I'm not sure is strictly legal but it happens anyway.

So to add to that new upheaval in my life the very next day after my roommate's brother moves in my roommate is conditionally fired. Essentially he's gotten so many strikes from his employer which means they can fire him but at least one of the strikes is bullshit so if he could get the decision overturned he wouldn't be fired. But if he doesn't get that overturned- well, things could be kind of awful for a while. Considering that he pays half the rent and utilities and I don't make enough money for all that and food. The next day I was talking to my friend and he said that he had a job interview. I said that that was good and didn't realize the catch that was coming next. My friend specifically mentioned this because if he was hired he wanted to know if he could stay at our apartment for two weeks because if he stays at college during vacation he has to pay for it. My response was along the lines of: "Well, ordinarily that would not be a problem but if you wanted to do that you'd have to cuddle with my roommate's brother because he's already staying here." And the next day my roommate goes and fills out forms for unemployment and food stamps. And the day after that he announces that he will likely have his job back on monday.

And the day after that- well- that's today. So far nothing of note has happened but it's only nine-thirty in the morning and I've not yet been awake for two hours. I can only imagine, though, that next up there will be some unexplained pregnancies, maybe some kidnappings, a little sexual turmoil. You know, the usual fare for a soap opera. I can't wait.